What am I looking to do?

My hope with the money we raise is to redecorate the waiting room on the Stanway Ward (early pregnancy unit) at Colchester Hospital, and create a peaceful bereavement room for parents who have just been told the devastating news that their baby has died. The work would be completed in two phases, with the waiting room being the first project, and the bereavement room being created late 2022/early 2023.

My story

At the start of 2022, I found myself in a familiar place - the Stanway Ward at Colchester Hospital. 4 years previous in 2018, we'd been on this same ward many times during and after the loss of our first baby at 12 weeks - I'd been for scans, check-ups, the induction of a medical management miscarriage, and an overnight stay while haemorrhaging.

Later in 2018, and we were back on the ward nervously awaiting the scan of our second baby - this time, we were thrilled to see a tiny heartbeat jumping about at 6 weeks. The ward now felt like a place of hope and positivity - and Darcey stubbornly and begrudgingly made her way into the world in May 2019 - feet first.

Flash forward to January 2022, and we were 12 weeks pregnant with our third baby. We went into the scanning room following concerns about the baby's welfare to be told the words every parent dreads, "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat - your baby has died."

We went home to begin processing our loss, and all that it meant for our family. I was dreading what was to come - I'd lost all control over my body and my life, and knew that the only way I could get beyond what was to come was by going through it. No one could do this for me. I needed to go through labouring our baby, and I was terrified.

A few days later, I began to haemorrhage again - and found myself being wheeled through A&E at 4am into resus. Once stabilised, I was taken onto the Stanway ward and spent another week there as they tried through various interventions to get my body to 'miscarry' in full. I was very unwell and, in the end, had to opt for a trip to theatre. Despite being well cared for by the nurses, the physical and emotional trauma of this time, and our loss, has affected my mental health ever since. 

Why do I tell you all of this? Because during my stay on this ward, there were two things I knew I needed to do as soon as I was well enough. One was to redecorate the waiting room. It hadn't changed since I'd sat in it 4 years previous, and it was a miserable room. It didn't even feel like a waiting room because it still had the markings of being a side room with a sink and curtain. My time in this room was always filled with anxiety over what I was about to find out during my scan, and therefore, it needed to become a place of calm tranquility.

I spoke to the nurses on the ward, and they agreed it needed decorating and said they'd been asking for a while - but nothing had been done. So as I laid in hospital (I've never been very good at R&R), I decided to e-mail the hospital's Chief Executive and he put me in touch with the (amazing!) Gynaecology Matron and the hospital's fundraising team who I've since been working with to make this happen. 

The second thing that needs to be done, which came out of my conversations with the Gynaecology Matron, was to create a bereavement room for those who have just received bad news to go to after their scan or consultation, to spend some time processing what has just happened and to have a space for the initial grieving process. When we had our scans, in which we were told our babies had died, the only thing we could do afterwards, while sobbing our hearts out, was to walk through the hospital as quickly as possible to get to our car. We needed a space to just sit for a moment.

With the fundraising that we do in this campaign, my hope is to create two rooms - a refreshed and dedicated waiting room, and a peaceful bereavement room that feels like all the parents who have sat in it before are giving a big cuddle to the ones using it at any moment. We have got the rooms - but we need to raise money to decorate and furnish them. I appreciate that times are hard, but any money donated will be gratefully received - and will make a huge difference to so many lives. 

As for us, we continue on our journey to have another child. We have since had a third miscarriage, much earlier and less complicated this time. However, I have no doubt we will be sat in these rooms again in the future - hopefully just the waiting room, receiving good news after. When we are using them though, I'd love to see them looking as amazing as I know they can be, through the efforts of this campaign.