For my 30th birthday, I am fundraising for Beat, the UK's eating disorder charity.

Beat supports anyone with an eating disorder or directly impacted by one, like friends, family or professionals. Beat have helped me a huge amount after suffering from eating disorders since I was young.

1.25 million people in the UK have a diagnosed eating disorder and eating disorders cost the UK's economy £16.8 billion each year. With rising numbers of young people developing eating disorders for the last few years, following the pandemic, Beat needs support more than ever.

Early intervention of the illness improves the chance of fully recovering, but with rising cases and NHS waiting lists continuing to be extremely long (which is a large part of my story), many including myself, miss out on a chance of this and end up struggling for decades; many becoming chronic cases.

I’ve decided to share my story below, but if you don’t have time to read, it is one of suffering, waiting, giving up hope and gaining hope again in the last year, due to extreme luck. If I didn’t get lucky I don’t know if I would still be around now, or made it to 29, let alone 30. I really urge you to consider donating even a small amount to Beat, as chances are, someone you know is suffering and is giving up hope.

My Story

Unknown to many people I know, I have actually struggled with many different types of Eating Disorder for the past 21 years, and have been fighting to get help for the last 12.

I first went to my GP terrified at 18, when anorexia became unmanageable. I was suffering from the physical symptoms of being freezing, dizzy, faint etc, but also from anxiety, intense guilt and self-hate every time I ate or skipped a workout. I found it was more desirable to be exhausted, starving and in pain than to feel that way.

Despite being referred to specialist NHS services I didn’t quite make it to receive help. The waiting list was around 10 months, and after being on the list for half of that, I needed to move to London for uni, and my funding was cut. The same process of referral-waitlist-funding-cut happened again a couple more times as I moved between London boroughs & I was told that despite being underweight and very mentally unwell, BMIs were used to determine priority ordering and mine just “wasn't quite low enough”.

I felt dejected as this propelled my existing beliefs that I wasn't enough, I accepted that I would just have to live with this illness.

I found that over time I fell into cycles of uncontrolled binge eating. My mind and body had become so starved that my animal instincts had kicked in, as my body's automatic method of survival took over. The sad reality is, my mental health had got to one of its worst points, but the binging in between starvation/exercise periods meant that my BMI remained “too high” to get seen, and to my friends and family I looked “fine” whilst internally breaking.

I was even often complimented for my “skinny” and “fit” body whilst I believed I was worthless. The cruel reality of body dysmorphia meant I couldn't see what I actually looked like. I wanted to “be like all the other beautiful women I know” as what I saw in the mirror was a monster.

In the midst of the pandemic in late 2020, I asked my GP for help one more time as my quality of life was unbearable. The strain of the pandemic (and wider life situations), propelled my intense fear of losing control & drove my compulsions to starve myself, over-exercise and abuse my body uncontrollably. In hindsight this was my unconscious method to distract me from reality. The mental obsessions around losing control of my body grew and grew as I became extremely malnourished, causing internal organ damage and impaired cognitive ability.

I was placed on another waiting list, which at that time (due to rising demand from the pandemic) was 2+ years long. I was told that my condition was concerning and needed to be monitored closely; my mental health was extreme and I had signs of physical deterioration in my muscles and heart. At that time I was rushed into A&E weekly, but my condition was still not critical enough to be prioritised.

Whilst waiting, my physical health had declined to a dangerous degree and my cognitive ability had reduced to the point that I couldn’t string sentences together. I had given up all hope.

In August 2021 in a stroke of luck and after me and my partner, Adam, desperately looking around for anything to help, I was able to access private medical insurance via a loved one, and after an assessment I was hospitalised immediately. I spent the following year in inpatient and day patient eating disorder facilities fighting to get better - battling my way away from potential death and towards recovery. These treatment centres saved my life, and as I said before, I’m not sure I’d still here without them.

I'm now on the mend, but still have a long way to go and will be in outpatient treatment for years to come.

I find it scary to think how many other people are out there in the same situation as me and I do wonder what life would've been like if I'd been able to access early intervention when I was younger. Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of all mental health illnesses. I find it sad that I had to reach severe desperation to get help and only got help through a stroke of luck in accessing private care.

Throughout all of this I was able to tap into Beat's resources, allowing me to hold hope that it might get better some day.

Beat is a lifeline for so many people, and was a lifeline for me.