15th May 2023

In May our 26 week old daughter was born sleeping and I'm hoping she's somewhere in Heaven now. After the loss of our daughter we spent an afternoon after work around a small white casket before her funeral date. The casket was small enough to fit on your side table and the metal plaque on the top read Phoebe Maeve Jones.

After what seemed like a lifetime we left the funeral home and waited for Phoebe's funeral date. I was offered the decision of walking her down the aisle at her funeral, I agreed and took my time considering this was going to be the only aisle I'd walk her down. Flowers were laid of top of her casket and we sat down and a celebration of life service began.

We'd picked out the music, another difficult task but we picked well and it was heart wrenching.

There was lovely readings at Phoebe's service and I had made the decision to speak at her eulogy. Whilst extremely difficult I felt peace knowing I'd spoken in a time where many words can be lost, buried and forgotten. I don't actually know how I got through my words but with pause and bravery I persisted until I'd accomplished the hardest words I have ever spoken.

I sat back down next to my wife, our close family and friends just behind us. Phoebe's last song was played whilst me and my wife sat and spent some final moments with Phoebe. I'm sure if you're a parent you'll know the song "Where you are" from Moana. It's a massive kids tune and we had it belting out at Parkwood Crematorium. If you listen to the lyrics of the song you will realise that it's not for kids, it's full of wisdom and happiness can be found right where you are. Whilst people left the aisle they placed a hand on my shoulder, spoke gestures of their condolences and then it was over.

The wake that we called a colourful celebration was needed, because life, any life is to be celebrated. I wished things were different but there I was making food for my daughters funeral, how did I get here? Id asked everyone to wear colour, not the traditional black as I wanted to spread some brightness in a dark day.

The morning after that was painful. We booked a break away and got away the next morning. A spot by the sea to muller our thoughts and plenty of throwing myself into the ocean for some cold water therapy.

The thing with grief and loss like this is you will know someone that has gone through it. It's 1 in 4 that carry this burden. I made it a point to share our traumatic circumstances with friends and colleagues. The response I received was heartfelt and In this day and age talking about things like this are paramount. I received a supportive response to what can be a shocking conversation to have with anybody. Other father's had found gratitude that I'd been able to speak of my story to them and are extremely proud of my efforts to continue to the "normalities".

Life is different now, my normal before this and after this are two different things. I've had to be extremely disciplined to get to a place where I'm progressing with important factors. Walking has helped these factors, I walk, listen to podcasts and do it again. I repeat what helps my mind, body and soul. I repeat it because it heals a small fraction of a hole.

With the support from forget me not hospice at Russell House for my family going forward I have decided to give something back. Forget me not deal with bereaved parents and seriously ill infants and children every day. The place is more like a hotel than a hospice and really makes you feel welcome when you walk through a door that you never wished on your worst enemy. They offer family support which includes siblings, grandparents, aunties, uncles as we know they all have a place in the child's life and all feel pain, even if they don't express it. Forget me not as an establishment costs a fair few quid to run a day and with that being said I'm about to take on something I can only consider as therapeutic at this time.

Me and a close friend of mine Joe are planning on doing the coast to coast walk next spring in May

Essentially it's a 192 mile walk which passes through 3 national parks including the lake District, the Yorkshire dales and the north Yorkshire Moors. It starts at St bees and the finish point is robin hood's bay.

This is a non stop walk with minimal supplies and shelter. I've got a just giving page that's linked directly to Forget me Not Hospice. Anything we raise will go directly to them and may it help many other family's, some of whom I've met which are struggling with losing a child.

I really held back from writing and sharing this ordeal but maybe sharing something so tragic I can find peace knowing I might have helped others.

Thank you for taking the time to reach the end of this post, if you would like to donate please follow the link below. Your donation could help families spend the last time together when time can be taken so easily without reason or meaning.