The London Triathlon is the biggest event of it’s kind, with over 13,000 competitors over the weekend. The Olympic distance involves a 1,500m swim in the Royal Victoria Dock, 40km bike race from Beckton to ,  twice and finally a 10km run – 4 laps of a route alongside the dock.

My race time was set for , very civilised.

Arrived at where I’d racked my bike and became instantly depressed by the shinning machines and teardrop helmets of my neighbours. Obviously they were all experts..

I sat down and reintroduced myself to my wetsuit for the first time this year. Clearly, the bloody thing has shrunk! Managed to get my legs in and drag it up as far as my waist, but only at the expense of attracting a small & concerned crowd.

The on to the Swim assembly, where a helpful chap assisted me to pull on the rest of my wetsuit. I couldn’t breathe or move but I did notice the guy stood next to me. Those of you of a certain age may remember the French Detective from the ‘Day of the Jackal’ – all lips and moustache. But with an enormous belly and he’d clearly, just had a fag and was slightly blue and already sweating.

It probably say’s a lot about me, but I find Shadenfreude a great motivator and I felt instantly better.

Into the water. With 450 other competitors who’s first act, was almost certainly the same as mine. Quick pee to warm up the wetsuit..

We’re off and if you’ve ever read the story of the baby in the washing machine, you can imagine what the start is like. Think Wildebeest and Mara river crocodiles..All thrashing arms and legs trying to swim over you.

I took off as fast as I could, sticking to the right hand buoys and finding clear water. I say ‘clear’ but in fact it was as black as night and in order to see anything you have to look up occasionally. Doesn’t taste terribly good either.

I don't know about you, but I'm a keen student of history and to my certain knowledge, it wasn't that long ago that Londoners contracted Cholera & died regularly from contact with the water in the Royal Victoria Dock, but at least it didn't seem to contain any solid bits...

Out of the water in 30mins, bit slow, but at least I’m in good shape..drag off the wetsuit. (I’ve obviously waxed & lubricated liberally beforehand..) into the bag, up the stairs and I’m into transition.

Helmet on, grab the bike and run out of transition.

I’d clipped in my shoes and attached them with an elastic band to the release lever on the wheel – like the pro’s do on TV, keeping the shoes even, enabling (in theory) a quick leap onto the bike , feet in and away.

Leaped onto the bike, foot on the shoe, elastic snapped and I hit the deck! Really quite hard.

“stop bleeding on my floor” shouted a marshal as I scrambled up and eventually managed to board and get going.

 

The bike course was fabulous. 40km comprising two laps from Beckton to twice through the lime house link tunnel. Really fast. The Tunnel acts as a sort of vacuum that in both directions allowed us all to fly through at around 55kms/hr . Not much humour on the bike stage other than a couple of crashes (other people's obviously! [- did I mention the Shadenfreude thing..) just lots of pain. 1hr 14mins.

Into transition again. This is where it hurts normally. As you get off the bike your backside feels like the dentist has confused your cheeks and given you a shot in each. The legs no longer function in any normal way.

 

However, I felt fabulous and I bounded out and down the ramp and my mood lifted even more when I saw Helen , Alex & Olivia cheering from the side.

I though to myself, “ this is good, on schedule for a  PB if I can run 7.5minute mile pace…

After 5 minutes, everything seemed like a slow motion reply, in fact that’s exactly what it was, slow motion, could barely move at all.

I was very close to death or so it seemed. There were smug, cheery squaddies all along the route offering caffeine energy gels, water and probably other stuff. and the odd ,fast, cold spray of water along the course, aimed at your torso as you struggled by. 

Body temperature by this point being about 200 degrees , this spray is a bit like being hit with a defibrillator and the only reason I managed to survive.

 

Dragged my sorry ass over the line in a ludicrous 57 minutes for the 10k stage.

 

Overall time was 2hr, 47mins,30 secs.

I have now officially decided to retire and grow old.

Thanks once again to everybody. And please, if you haven't donated yet, it's not too late.

 

Lots of Love

 

Tim

 

 

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