New year - a new attempt at putting myself through hours of pain to fundraise for a charity very close to me. In October 2022, I will be crying/running the Cardiff University Half Marathon to raise money for Mind charity.

In early 2020, I was at my lowest imaginable and nearly took my own life. I was coming home every night; sitting in silence in the dark, crying and just exhausted from being myself and starting the next morning like nothing was wrong. I felt like I was such a burden to those around me, like everything I've worked towards was a lie and maybe people just pity me to be around me. I once tried walking home in the rainstorm 3 train stops before my stop, not knowing where I was or to get home - but I just walked for hours, bawling and telling myself that I was a shit person. One night it all got too much, I wasn't in control - I was drowning in negative thoughts and I couldn't see any light. After being pretty much bed-bound over the month previous, I had accumulated a pharmacy of tablets and taking that concoction was more appealing than seeing the next day. I was in a trance of just pure defeat, as I was heading to my kitchen - my annoying ass anxiety kicked in and questioned "Do you want your landlord to discover this and potentially damage his mental health?". For once my overthinking came in handy and stopped me, I don't think I stopped crying all night.

It's been a pure whirlwind ever since, if I wasn't attending my Mind counselling who gave me the support and confidence to tell my close family I was suicidal - I don't think I'd be here. As you can imagine, that wasn't the most fun thing I've ever done but it took so much weight off me - even if I felt so guilty to tell my parents that maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I'll fully admit it's not been the easiest, as more than doubling my anti-depressants weren't gonna cure everything (was still hopeful asf regardless...). Despite Covid cutting me off from physically being with others and starting a damaging double large Dominos Meateor takeaway a week situation, I could pick and choose what I was surrounding myself with and genuinely - I cannot thank those who unknowingly supported me the past few years and much, much longer. The memes, pet photos and despite my shocking reply ratio - the DMs I've received, thank you so much. I wouldn't want anyone to go through this experience, reading back on my daily diaries throughout those days is heart-wrenching but to see that growth in myself makes me proud. I couldn't have kept strong without those who have supported me throughout.

Mind has helped me in ways I cannot thank them enough for, I've become a lot more comfortable speaking about my mental health to others - especially during depressive episodes. It's helped me put things in perspective and to try and think more positively. Counselling helps me comfortably say things that have been weighing me down for years, and to have someone fully listen and support you is a blessing. 

I'll be forever grateful for any donation to this fantastic charity, they have helped me so much and I don't know where I'd be without them x

Thanks lads,

Tara 

I'll be updating this bad boi throughout! https://www.instagram.com/twasmyfitness/

Mind Helpline - 0300 123 3393
Mind Online Support - https://sidebyside.mind.org.uk/

• £8 can offer someone a lifeline to someone in desperate need of support.

• £15 can help Mind campaign for better access to talking therapies, crisis care, and other essential health services.

• £21 can keep Side By Side, Mind's online support running for one hour.