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I hope that sharing my story about mum will raise awareness about lung cancer and schizophrenia. It’s been both difficult and therapeutic to write!

My mum was diagnosed with lung cancer in October 2017. She had CAT/PET scans and X-rays where a stage 2 mass was discovered in her left lung. My heart sank when I took the call one Friday afternoon at work. I received the call from the care home where my mum resides. Why is it we take calls like these at peak times and from people we barely know!

As a smoker with mental illness I wasn’t overly surprised about mum getting cancer but all the same my world was rocked. My foundations were shattered. I’ve had several funerals and lost many loved ones but this has been -well it’s been- different. 

WHY?

•She’s my mum

•She refused treatment and further tests which means that we have no idea how much the cancer has spread and how aggressive it is. Every time I see her I see signs  -her breathing is heavy  -her skin colour is tinged with blue  -her shoulders are different-her walk is different- she coughs and coughs then coughs some more- she gets tired... I worry mum is in pain each time she pops a paracetamol. She’s endured so much mental pain over the years that I believe she’ll disguise physical pain. 

•My mum keeps smoking (symptomatic of many people with severe schizophrenia or mental illness it seems).

•There have been discrepancies about my mum’s capacity to understand what her illness means and what lies ahead. This happens frequently with mental illness where relatives and professionals can differ with opinions about someone’s capacity to understand the gravitas of having cancer and what it will mean. I believe mum DOES KNOW although she refuses to acknowledge the ‘C’ word! I’ve looked her in the eyes and remarked ‘you do know don’t you’ and she reflects my worried eyes with her loving eyes then looks away. I know she knows. I returned to her home for a surprise visit the other month and could hear her coughing and crying in the shared bathroom on her upstairs floor. She’s unaware I heard this! We all tried (my Gran Sister and Uncles) to convince her to have tests and treatment but she grew angry and she was determined to refuse all. I was so worried about maintaining our developing mum daughter relationship that I decided to just leave it. Just leave mum be. This is what mum wants and she’s a clever beautiful lady with or without the mental illness to influence her decision. We don’t talk about it anymore. We simply enjoy just BEING. 

What happens next?

I write this on the eve of June 18th 2018 and I’ve no idea if mum will be alive when I run the GNR Sept 9th. All I do know is that this will be the run of my life. Mental illness is so cruel and now this! I’m doing this for mum; for Roy Castle’s  charity who’ll be supporting us through this journey of grief, making memories, lung cancer; for myself to help ease the pain; for my kids and Dunc so they have a healthy mum and wife both physically and mentally; for my Grandma (mums mum) who has supported me all these years.

ON A POSITIVE NOTE....

Mum is now in great hands in 24/7 care and she’s the best she’s been, mentally, in 30 years. My mum is back!  I’m sharing beautiful times making memories with my mum. A mum I haven’t really had since before I was 12.

Living with a mum who has schizophrenia 

I lived with mum throughout childhood but from ages 12-16 I lived alone with mum during very dark times for her. Mum was sectioned several times. Social workers and psychiatric doctors and... it’s all bit much but a lot happened! 

As a younger child I had the best mum in the world.  An Eccentric violinist who was considered the most beautiful woman in Spennymoor! She was always so caring and empathetic and she is even more so today  She gives me the best advice and she mind reads people in ways no one else can. She mirrors the true essence of the saying ‘Genius next to madness’!

BLESSED TO HAVE THIS TIME WITH MUM

I’m sharing my personal feelings and my story although many of my family are affected too. We feel helpless and wish mum would fight her lung cancer. We wish mum would stop smoking. We wonder if there was more we could have done to help her with her schizophrenia but we couldn’t have. Mum is now in a good home where palliative care will be given. Mum will continue to endure the symptoms of lung cancer but I do believe that her being in denial will help her through the final stages.  She’s discussed her end of life plan so she must be aware of what’s going on. So here’s to a beautiful final few weeks or months of sharing giving loving and being with my beautiful mum whilst she smokes to her hearts content, in her little chair in the garden, whilst billowing smoke in our faces! Yes she will do this just as she used to light up a fag in Church when I was a little girl!😂

I hope that the money raised will help early diagnosis but also add funds to a charity that I’m going to spend time talking with to guide me through our smokey journey!

Thankyou x

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Donating through JustGiving is simple, fast and totally secure. Your details are safe with JustGiving - they'll never sell them on or send unwanted emails. Once you donate, they'll send your money directly to the charity. So it's the most efficient way to donate - saving time and cutting costs for the charity.