Myself and my partner of five years, Carl, are doing a 300 mile Bike Ride from London to Paris to raise money for the Eating Disorder Charity, First Steps Derbyshire... But why? Well, read My Story here:

My name is Siobhan. As a toddler, my older brother couldn’t say my name properly, so began to call me Shawny. It has stuck ever since. Thanks, bro!

At the age of twelve, I developed an Eating Disorder. By the time I was fourteen it had developed into Anorexia. Though I knew something wasn’t necessarily right, all I really remember was what felt like a euphoric high at this early stage of my Eating Disorder… and I didn’t dare to question it out of fear of losing control. For the first five years, though my loved ones could see my changing body, the hope was that it would all go away, but of course it didn’t.

I remember at first not feeling afraid, but righteous in my ability to control myself and lose so much weight. This did not last long. The spiral grew faster and deeper.

At the age of sixteen, I was lucky enough to be granted a Dance and Drama Award and I went off to Performing Arts School. At this stage of my life I still wasn’t admitting of my Eating Disorder, but by my second year there, aged 17, I cracked. I finally said the words to my mum over the phone late one night in a crying rage, “I think I have an Eating Disorder”. Within 24 hours my dad was by my side and I was going to the doctors.

Unfortunately, as anyone with an Eating Disorder who has tried to receive help will know, the miracle cure doesn’t arrive. In fact, hardly any help arrives at all (unless you are so dangerously underweight that they bang you in hospital for a re-feed). For the next couple of years I struggled my way through Performing Arts School where I received SO MUCH support from the Staff. The problem was, nobody that was trying to help me really knew HOW to. In the end, during my second attempt at my third year, with only two terms to go… I bowed out of my course. It was a devastating time, but my health had deteriorated too much and it was time to go home and start my Recovery…

Embarking on Recovery.
Between the ages of 20 and 23 there was a whole lotta ups and downs. In the end I opted forPrivate Treatment. It cost an arm and leg, but the few sessions I had at the Priory in Birmingham were ten times better than the 20 odd sessions I had with a CPN under the NHS. The CPN nurse was lovely, but my condition was out of her depth. At the Priory, I was not quite as pigeon-holed, and seen more as an individual (though I feel that it is still a big problem in the Mental Health Sector today).

It was this time in my life where I finally started to learn about who I am. This is an ongoing journey, and one that I now appreciate will never end, but during my darkest days I remember the absolute disdain I felt towards myself.

Recovery is a journey in itself that takes time, and most of all, patience. I wasn’t patient in the beginning. I “quickly fixed myself’, put on a fabulous show to my family and friends (who were mostly not fooled). After some messing around on my part, almost moving to Los Angeles to pursue an acting career (that one came from nowhere!) — at age 22 I moved my life to London. “Off the to Big City!” “Going to make something of myself”, this time, in the Events Management industry apparently.

As you can tell, I was all over the place. The problem was I wasn’t staying still long enough to really listen to my emotional needs at this time. I was looking for “things” to fix me. The right job, the right life, the right DIET. It was in London that I had my last (to date) and most difficult relapse…

Relapsing…Feeling like Zero.
— But on reflection I was a HERO! — Of my own recovery I mean. In London, I took up cheerleading and was positioned as  ‘flyer’. Already fragile and not prioritising my recovery, this enabled my Anorexia to come back with vengeance. The change towards food started as a New Years Resolution to go on ‘The Paleo Diet’. Due this experience of what that diet did to my state of mind is part of the reason why I highly advocate the ‘anti-diet’ approach to healthy living. The Paleo Diet starved me of any sense-making. I do not blame the Paleo Diet alone, but it was a large contributing factor. Lack of nutrition to the brain causes an accumulation of irrational thinking which feeds the Anorexia (for no better use of a term).
The photo on the right is the closest I could find to me at the start of my relapse. When I look at this photo, I don’t see Shawny, I see Ana. They are not my eyes, and that is not my smile. It wasn’t until another two months later and much more weight lost; I went to visit friends up North, and they did a spontaneous intervention and sent me home so my parents could see what was happening. I have never been so grateful for these friends.

It was during this time that I realised my mad spontaneity is sometimes part of my condition, but that it is also a wonderful part of who I am.

First Steps Derbyshire.
I found First Steps when I started studying Creative Expressive Therapies at the University of Derby (now aged 23). I was living at home, commuting to University, and I was feeling on top of my Recovery so wanted to do some volunteer work… I really do mean it when I say that FSD changed my life. After five months volunteering, I applied for a Staff position that came available, and now here I am, almost one year as Staff!!

When I started volunteering, it was instantly obvious to me that First Steps was unique in its approach to supporting people in their recovery. No diagnosis, no judgment, no LABELS. First Steps appreciates that every person’s battle with an Eating Disorder is different from another, and so with that in mind, a range of support is put in place to allow people to find their way of healing. Their way of being in the drivers seat of their recovery. Click here to find out more about what FSD has to offer.

During my time as Staff, I have evolved in my position. I started out as an Intensive Community Support Worker — a highly rewarding though emotionally taxing job whereby I had the privilege of taking patients under the care of the Derbyshire Eating Disorder Service out for Supported Lunches. This taught me so much about the result of lack of early intervention in Eating Disorders. It is very hard to work with people with Chronic Anorexia. It can sometimes leave you feeling defeated, but ANYONE suffering deserves the continued opportunity to fight their illness — it is NEVER too late.

My main role now is in Fundraising, which brings me to my Bike Ride. First Steps, in order to continue its current services, needs to raise a MINIMUM of £20,000. That doesn’t take into account the hopes that we can continue to expand FSD’s services, and reach out to many more of the 50,000 people in Derbyshire alone that have been diagnosed with an Eating Disorder (so that doesn’t even count the many, many more undiagnosed). One day, we hope to take our services national. But one thing at a time, hey!

As you can see, it is an up hill climb, but First Steps has been going for ten years now, and word is out. But first and foremost, we need that £20,000, and we can no longer depend on funding from our current providers. SO! Let’s start with a 300 Mile Bike Ride and BIG Fundraising Campaign!!

I can’t do it without YOU!

I need your help. I need your following, your support, and your donation.