Thanks for taking the time to visit my JustGiving page. 

Anxiety and Addiction 

My story, writing from a good place and just thought I would share my story with the hope if I help one person who could be in a deep dark place I would be happy. 

From the age of 8-14 I suffered with migraines regularly. They used to flaw me for 2 days at a time. I’d be sick one day, then day two would be recovering.  I missed a lot of school at this time. I seemed to grow out of them when hormones kicked in, I still get them now but I now have a much better understanding of them. 

Started working at 14/15 at my Aunty and Uncles shop. Money was spent on cigarettes and booze.   Fake ID to get in local pubs and clubs. Last day of school I had booze on me, school was out, down to the local park with 2 litres of stongbow, weekends were work and drink, this felt normal.  I would drink to get drunk and be a social organiser with family and friends.  

In my early 20s when living in York I was driving back from York to Crowle one day alone on the motorway and I started having a panicking feeling, it really frightened me as I’d never experienced anything like this. It was a panic attack but at this time I didn’t realise this I just blamed tiredness, hungover, having one of those days. 

This continued a number of times and my journey from York became the back roads, Elvington, Howden, Goole, Swinefleet, Crowle. The panicking feeling was always worse after drinking. I did nothing about this other than driving the back way.  I felt fine on the back roads.  Driving the back roads became my new normal for this journey.  

Driving from Crowle to Scunthorpe felt fine on the motorway and did this regularly going to work in my mid 20s. 

Life continued, Sarah was happy on the outside, worked hard, enjoyed a drink, party girl, but very often had the feeling of overwhelm in day to day life. A struggle but would just put it down to LIFE.  Put that big smile on, when people ask you how are you today, my response would always be I’m good thank you, how are you and take much interest in other peoples lives. Inside I’d be thinking if only I could tell them actually how I was feeling but would not want to burden anyone with my own troubles, life’s busy, we all have our own issues, you just get on with it.  I lived for the weekend to drink and party. Often we went out socially on a Thursday night with work. I’d be the girl rolling in at 5am and be at my desk for 8.30am.  Always last to leave and I flew the flag for the famous one for the road (Sarah’s version - one bottle of wine for the road) !  I never missed a days work. 

Running has been a highlight of my life. Being a member of Scunthorpe and District Running Club in my early 20’s completing many events raising thousand pounds for charity, completed 3 marathons in my early 20s being London, Chicago and Berlin.  I had nothing to prove to anyone, I did this for me, it made me feel safe and happy, it was my life, the other part of my life was to get pissed. I would plan my long runs early Saturday morning then drink for the rest of the weekend. This went on for years. I was a smoker too “social one”! I was very bloody social !

Met Nigel, had 2 children, got married, life was good.  Whilst pregnant with my first son I had to finish work a couple weeks earlier than planned due to high blood pressure/faint feeling and spent a lot of time in hospital on the lead up to the birth. Life with a new baby, looking back now I remember at times feeling anxious, I remember chopping vegetables one day and shaking, panicky, sick feeling but again put this down to tiredness, baby blues etc. 

When the children were young I got a job doing pampered chef, direct selling in peoples homes on an evening. Started off well, I made it to Director and had a team of people underneath me, earnt a trip to Lake Maggorie in Italy.  This job was driving on an evening. It started off well, then my circle started widening, Hull, York, Lincoln, Ferry Bridge and Huddersfield. There was one night I drove to Hull, I felt fine driving on the motorway to the bridge then asked a friend to drive over the bridge then we swopped again. Too scared to drive over the bridge. (Not sure if you are reading this but thank you).

Then over time, the panic feeling crept back in to the point I no longer could do this job anymore. Hubby drove me to a lot of parties in the latter stages and I decided this job was no longer for me.  I WALKED AWAY FROM THIS. 

At this stage of my life I never thought to go to the GP. 

My life would be the usual kids stuff on a weekend, always a priority but the rest of the weekend would revolve around a drink. Not often it was one glass of wine, always would be more. 

Completed a Teachers Assistant course to a very high standard, went for one job interview, looking back I pretty much had a panic attack in there, it was a panel of 4 interviewing. Couldn’t get out of there quick enough.  I didn’t pursue this path.  I WALKED AWAY FROM THIS. 

2013 ish I went working back at a company I was familiar with. Life continued, work hard, play hard attitude. Always drank on a weekend once the boys activities were done. Never one glass, it was at least a bottle most of the time (and the rest) Panic feeling if I ran out …..I celebrated everything with a glass wine, good day, bad day, happy day, celebration day, new hair day etc etc. 

2013 I was no longer driving on motorways now, it was all the back roads to work, this was fine, I felt safe doing this and no issue BUT then it started, my route to work now, I started panicking just as leaving Belton, heart racing, legs shaking, sweating, I’d pull over in the lay by. Phone Hubby/my Dad. They ended up taking me to work on a number of occasions. Then my route to work would be the back back way, Derry Thorpe, Althorpe etc.  My route to work, it felt like it was closing in on me. This went on for far too long looking back now. 

2015 struggle to get to work. I’d be at work, feeling faint, sat at my desk and regularly having nose bleeds. The first aiders took my blood pressure which was sky high, go to the doctors Sarah !  It went on for a number of weeks, possibly months, I’d be at work and I can still remember now, my head felt detached from my body. 

I went to the doctors an emotional mess, Hubby came with me. Doctors prescribed beta blockers, anti depressants, CBT, see me in another week !

I never picked the tablets up. I asked if I could drink on them. Their advice was one glass wine with a meal. I knew this was never possible. I couldn’t just have one glass. 

Dr phoned, how are you getting on ? I explained and she encouraged me to collect them which I did as I was feeling at an all time low. 

I do believe I probably reduced my drinking but drank more than the recommended allowance. Had a girls trip planned to Spain July 2015. I drank so much I fainted in a restaurant. It was the heat !! The panic feeling the next day was horrific, I felt like a shaken mess. My friends looked after me, I kept wanting to pass out. (Thank you if you are reading this). I returned from this trip and decided I needed to stop drinking, this really frightened me. 

I was not in a good place, back to the doctors, number of blood tests etc. Still continuing to work every day. 

2 weeks off the booze hubby and I went to a wedding night do, approaching the venue, my legs started shaking, felt really panicky but thought I can’t say anything. In my head I thought I’ve stopped drinking, why do I feel like this ?  Got inside and stood ordering a drink. No intention of drinking. I felt really faint, I said to hubby I’m just going to stand outside. I felt the room was closing in. Not to make a fuss I went back in the room and sat at a table. That brave smiling mask face was crumbling, I could feel the tears starting, I was frightened, really frightened, felt really strange, a very good friend took me outside, the tears wouldn’t stop, it was uncontrollable. We cut the night short. I felt terrible and felt I’d spoilt our friends night and hubby’s. He was just getting warmed up!

Got a taxi home. It felt like it was speeding at over 100mph. Arrived home relieved to be home, cup of tea, the TV noise was so loud but it really wasn’t. Got in bed, the panic started, I honestly thought I was having a heart attack. I woke Hubby to say I needed the hospital. I crawled along the landing, I couldn’t walk, the feeling of passing out. Hubby took me to A&E a taxi friend drove us (thank you if your reading). Sat in the waiting room my whole body was shaking, it was my legs, they were uncontrollable.  The only way I can describe is an out of body experience. 

Saw the doctor, wired me up, took bloods, they also had the results from recent doctor visits. I couldn’t stop crying, I’ve no idea where all those tears came from. The nurse was wonderful who looked after me. Doctor came back with the results. It’s anxiety. I thought WHAT THE FCUK. I didn’t believe this was possible. I still thought it was something very serious. This was the darkest weekend of my life 😭

I booked sick, it felt wrong to do this but I had no choice. I ordered books from the internet, I needed to understand what anxiety meant. I read, some days I stared at the walls. It was a blur to be honest. I was rock bottom. Family /Friends were amazing, you know who you are.  I felt broken and lost. My nerves were shattered. 

I decided it was best for me to leave the job I was doing and have a fresh start. I worked my notice and left, a small group went for a bite after work. It felt a weight lifted. I left in August 2015.  I WALKED AWAY. 

Did a 2 week holiday alcohol free to Spain, it was lovely, but different, I was starting to feel better. 

Started my new job Sept 2015, taking meds, CBT and was getting stronger every day. Hubby was getting his wife back.  I’d been alcohol free for around 5 months now and feeling back to my old self ! Christmas party arrived, I’ll have a couple drinks… it started another cycle. Before I knew it I was back drinking on the tablets. Life felt good, seemed to feel fine with drinking on tablets so it continued. Life was up and down, I was excelling at work, 2 promotions over a couple of years. I came off the medication, life was good for a short while …..

Then it started all over again, feeling of overwhelm, anxiety but by now the one bottle wine was more often than not 1.5-2 bottles. I would try my damnest to not drink in the week but could guarantee I felt I was winning if I made it to a Thursday. It now felt alcohol was controlling me, I knew it was an endless viscous cycle, drink, don’t drink today, drink, don’t drink today repeat repeat repeat, exhausting endless cycle. I couldn’t just have one drink. Continued to go to work, at this stage I VERY NEARLY WALKED AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND after being together 15 years. 

November 2020 - Over a period of time anxiety was back with a vengeance. I chose to leave the job I was doing, well I actually walked out after 5 years service. I still can’t believe I did this. I was losing control again. 

I WALKED AWAY….

I didn’t know how to live my life without alcohol, it would consume my thoughts most days. Either counting down until the weekend or finding an excuse to have a drink. Sleep was always terrible after drink, I would panic sleep, 3am wake up, anxiety, not remembering, hot sweats, self lothe, negative negative negative, exhausting. Wake up thinking not drinking today but by 4pm the wine witch would be back on my shoulder in my ear with its dulcet whispering tones, have a drink, start being good tomorrow, just exhausting. 

January 2021 started a new job. Felt very settled in my new job. Bought a plot of land to do a self build. A new start. 

So, how have I turned my life around ?

I’ve given up the booze. 

I joined OYNB (one year no beer) in February 2020. Managed 110 days then thought I could moderate. Literally during the first glass of wine the old Sarah was back. One glass was not enough.  Reset in October 2020, did another 50 days then drank again. One glass still not enough. All or nothing !

2nd August 2021, there could have been ten reasons not to start again, upcoming family holiday, cousins wedding but I’d completely had enough and decided to reset. 

Here I am today 2nd August 2022 one year alcohol free. It has been absolutely life changing for my mental health. So many benefits, the list of positives is too long but my top ones are:

• Consistency
• Calm
• Confidence
• Positive thoughts 
• Improved Relationships 
• Freedom, my wings have been unclipped 
• Energy 
• Amazing sleep 
• One bad day doesn’t spiral
• Ive now got nails for the first time in my life💅 
• Time, so much more time. Excited to go to bed and excited to wake up
• Jump in the car and drive at any time
• But the biggest win of all, I’ve accepted I suffer with anxiety. I’ve buried it forever and drank the hard times, social times away. 

Hubby and 2 kids, my biggest Whys. No words can describe their support. They have got their wife and Mum back fully loaded. I honestly don’t think I would have survived this last year doing the self build if I’d been living my old destructive ways. 

I’ve recently gone back to the GP, but it all feels positive this time around. By removing alcohol I’ve been able to sit with my feelings, look through everything with a clear lens and have finally found my way. I honestly feel like I’ve been given a second chance at life. I want to be the best version of myself and overcome so many fears. Still so much learning to do for my second year no beer learning more about how to deal with anxiety, diet, fitness, yoga, meditation, driving on motorways!  

I never realised how much I used alcohol as a mask and the damage it was doing for my mental health / anxiety as I hadn’t accepted it. The amount of things I have done in my life where you go into fight or flight mode. Too many times I’ve chosen the flight option. Even simple things like going in an elevator, turning a holiday boat trip back round to get me off, to name a few ! Just living day to day life white nuckling with so much anxiety on the inside but look perfectly normal on the outside. Not anymore, I want to face my fears and seeing the feelings as a positive and not being frightened of them. 

So Hubby and myself are going on a journey to do various events for MIND and the HOMELESS. 

Setting up a Just Giving page between now and June 2024. 2022 has already got off to a great start and 2023 will include 5ks, 10ks, half marathons, marathons, as long as we don’t get injured. The aim is to work towards a big event like an iron man or ultra marathon June 2024. Hubby’s coming along for the ride and I will welcome any training partners along the way. I wonder if I will ever catch Hubby up 😂

The first event is planned for end August. We are doing the Yorkshire 3 peaks, organised by some OYNB legends. 

Our first pledge is to Mind to raise £700 by April 2023. Will be doing various events to raise the money. 

If you can spare a couple quid, we are more than grateful. 

If you have got this far, thank you. I wanted to share my honest story with the hope if I help one person who is in a deep dark place this would make me happy, I’m just pleased I’m here to share this 🙏

Once a month I will be walking from Bridlington to Flamborough on the Coastal path, it’s between 8 and 10 miles, cafe at the end then will get the bus / taxi back into Bridlington. Fish and chips / bite to eat then home. Details in one of my pictures. Anyone is welcome.  The day will be enjoying the beautiful coast line, fresh air and talking.  DM me if interested. More the merrier.

Thank you for everyone’s support along the way. You know who you are x❤️x

https://www.mind.org.uk