30 years of service and a Warrant Officer with several operational tours. I can confidently say I have had a full and rewarding career so far and it is not over yet. But being a male in a hierarchical environment does have its drawbacks and I’ll explain what I mean by that: 

When I joined the Royal Air Force, I wanted to become a Warrant Officer and through hell or high water I was going to prove I was worthy of the rank. This was to be achieved by following the core principles of the Royal Air Force - Respect, Integrity, Service and Excellence and by making sure every decision I made kept me on that flight plan. I decided I had to be the best of the best to remain competitive even if, as I came to realise later, it was to the detriment of my personal wellbeing, 

I was a keen sportsman and when I joined the RAF as a young man, I continued my civilian passion for road cycling and rugby League to maintain my physical wellbeing. Sport in the RAF then was more about being a team player and going that extra mile than looking after yourself. At that time mental health gains were only a concept. 

Unfortunately, over the years, promotion, postings, workload, family commitments and dedication slowly eroded my free time and before I realised it sport had disappeared from my schedule. Life and career aspirations had taken over and that’s how it stayed. 

Then, a few years ago, over the period of a few short months, my secure and well-structured life came to an abrupt stop. Cancer took both my father and my Aunt from me, I discovered by daughter was caught up in hard drugs, and to top it off a malicious Service complaint challenged my honour and integrity. This perfect storm shut me down emotionally, turned me into a recluse and made me question my value. Even though I was rightly cleared of all wrongdoing by the Royal Air Force and my daughter started on the road to recovery, my trust in people and my self-confidence was crushed. I felt a failure and my greatest fear was realised, I was not as emotionally tough as I thought I was - not that I was going to admit it to anyone..

As a result, I threw myself into work, tears of a clown if you like, and while I believed I was coping the truth was my mental wellbeing was at rock bottom and my cupboard under the stair, full of secrets, was bursting open.

It was at this point my wife marched me to the doctor and after a short consultation and a few tears, I was referred to the mental health professionals for help. I finally had to admit I was not well and the subsequent diagnosis of depression confirmed that. 

The road to recovery began with outstanding therapy provided by the military as well as the astonishing understanding of my family and colleagues. Then, alongside this support, it was also suggested I consider physical activity as a means of raising my endorphins and regaining mental health through sport. I have to admit I was reluctant to step back into a gym environment, but I was mentored by an amazing young PTI and the results were astonishing. Whilst it did not make the demons go away for a period after exercising my mood was raised and I could see the world through a positive filter again. Eventually, I got to the point where I was ready to dust off my bike and start training on the roads. A year on I feel I am in a much better place and now ready for a challenge – something for me to focus on as well as giving something back. This is where my Land’s End to John O’Groats Challenge 2020 came in, but due to Covid it was canceled until 2021. Thankfully this 2 Group challenge has replaced it and I have chosen the RAF Central Fund as my charity to fundraise for to say thank you for their help and for everything they do to support mental health and wellbeing through sport.  

To sum up, I have become an advocate for mental health, the role sport and physical activity has to play in mental recovery and the charitable support provided by the Royal Air Force Central Fund which helps to safeguard our health and wellbeing.

My main take away from my experience is poor mental health is not a weakness, it is an illness and illnesses can be treated if you ask for help. So, don’t be afraid to talk about it and ask for help if you need it.

It is OK not to be OK.

Thank you for being part of my journey.