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DAY ONE

Whey Hey. We have reached camp. Probably propelled a bit by our farty bottoms. No kidding. We have been told it is due to the high altitude but trust me, if it is this bad now, then I am going to have to do some serious underwear shopping upon my return. Well that or start a new trend - string pants!!

We've arrived in one piece and a bowl of pasta has never looked so good! His Lordiness insisted on bringing some Kendal Mint Cakes as eaten by Sir Edmund Hilary. I understand now why Sir Ed complained that he had not brought enough. We are certainly making headways through our not inconsiderable supply.

I have never seen so many elephants in all my years. Whilst the guides are busy looking slightly panicky that they might bust camp, I am reverting to my historical references and suddenly Hannibal is looking like a bit of a hero. I figure, I might just try and make friends with one tonight (no not in that way you dirty minded people) and see if I can blag a lift for Day Two! Anyway, time to settle down for the night and sleep the sleep of the just!

I can honestly say this is probably the first place I have been where, within a period of 24 hours, I haven't been told that I look like James Bond. I guess I should have packed the Dinner Jacket!!

DAY TWO - Great news. We have arrived at camp at 4000m and I could eat a horse. We are all in fine fettle having just completed 20km. Nothing happened with elephants overnight. Probably the smell eminating from camp. Flatulence is still a problem but with Lordy it has developed into dodgy stomach. He upset an American today who thoughtfully brought his own lav. Trust me, when Lordy needs a throne you don't argue but don't be surprised anyone who decides to do this challenge in future if you see a discarded lav. Whatever you do, don't open it. Barnsey has acquired the nickname "Alpha Male". Everyone is admiring how he is setting the pace and leading the group. The truth is that he is staying upwind from Lordy. When they said that you needed to acclimatise in these parts, I never imagined it was smells they were talking about! We even had a visit from some monkeys, I'm convinced they caught a whiff a decided to visit their relatives. Also spotted some Jackals. Now I am certain they just thought something had died. The scenery here is breathtaking. Would be perfect for a Bond Movie. Speaking of Bond - Did I mention how great I look in my Berghaus? It was really hard work today but we have all been warned that it is going to be much harder tomorrow as our bodies and minds try to work in higher altitudes. It is a good job I think like Bond therefore I am. Anthony has a watch which shows the current altitude and he shares the information with the group on a regular basis.  I reckon my headaches can scream the altitude at fifty paces. It no longer feels like a mountain walk anymore. Tomorrow really is going to be interesting. My plan is to put one foot in front of the other and practice my chat up lines in readiness for my return to civilisation!  In the meantime, I need to get some food and a kip. Will update tomorrow. Maggy

DAY THREE

4300 metres. No doubt the hardest day yet but believe it or not we are ahead of schedule. Nevermind flatulence. Nobody cares about that anymore. The headaches are worsening and the queasiness. Its been a great day today in terms of teamwork. Barnsey has been suffering a bit and I have been teasing him about his lack of fitness. Woke to the sounds of Reggae and wondered where I was for a moment. Heard Bob Marley in the distance and thought I'd ended up on the floor of an eighties nightclub. Didn't take long for reality to kick in. Can't help thinking about the nursery rhyme Grand Olde Duke of York. It feels like we are neither halfway up nor down. We are certainly over two thirds of the way there but you only have to look up to realise that its not going to be easy. It has occurred to me that in places we could be skidding down on our arses. Brass Monkeys isn't the word for it. It's going to be like sleeping in a freezer tonight I reckon.  Food's good though. Shame there's no birds. Managed to get a few chat up lines off pat today. Lordy had the Proclaimers playing today. Now I am not adverse to them but I do question whether we should be marching to a couple of nerds singing happily about their willingness to walk five hundred flipping miles!!!! Anyway, I'm thinking of nicking Barnsey's IPOD tonight to see if I can find anything more appropriate. In fact, tomorrow, I think I will comprise a list of songs appropriate for the situation we are in. Not wanting to sound gay, the song "Climb Every Mountain" sounds quite inspirational right now!!!! Before you think about taking the mickey out of me when I return just remember please I am currently in high altitudes....and on that note I bid you all farewell until next time.

DAY FOUR. 

I DON'T BELIEVE IT. I take the time and trouble to put up with Barnsey retching and Lordy shitting to climb to 4300m only to find that this evening we are at 3,714 metres. I didn't sign up for this. I'm Bond. When I go up. I go up!  Moreover, I have been told that I'm doing a six hour hike tomorrow to the highest camp which is 4600 metres. Something doesn't add up! Go Figure!!!! All my singing was wasted. Still, had great time taking the piss out of Barnsey today who couldn't harmonise due to his chuntering - I'm sure he didn't eat that much today! Lordy farted in rhythm though. Following our six mile hike tomorrow, we get to rest at camp and then start our assent at midnight to the summit. What's that all about? I'm banking on a photo at the top as a prop for my latest chat up line. Fat lot of good if it's in the dark - I could be anywhere. I was thinking along the lines of "Whats the biggest thing you can get up a mountain........." or "I've climbed one of the biggest peaks in the World, can I climb yours" Wasted I believe without that all important photo!!!! Seriously though, we are all in good spirits and we are going to do this. Food still good. Tea still hot and whilst we are missing home comforts, its not all bad up here. Scenery today was best yet! Thanks for checking in and for continuing to support our efforts

DAY FIVE

If I didn't know any better, I 'd swear the guides have been reading my blog. Firstly we are not doing final push at midnight so there is chance of decent photo of me looking my best at the top and secondly, they served me food today that looked and tasted well dodgy passing it off as carbohydrates.  So just in case they are reading this. They are great blokes. Very experienced and would make great stunt men in a James Bond Movie. Now can I have some decent rations here. mood is great here in camp. The end is in sight. We are a bit cheesed off that the commencement of the final push has been delayed but now that I have sorted out the IPOD situation I can cope. No more Proclaimers. Whey Hey!!! It is amazing what you can do with a bottle of Urine and an IPOD speaker!!! I am attempting to make sure that I am as smelly as possible for three reasons

1. There are no birds around so no chance of pulling

2. It means I don't have to share a tent with anyone

3. I can blackmail Virgin Atlantic into making a very generous donation to encourage me to wash before I get on the flight home.

So if Virgin happen to catch sight of this blog (feel free readers to bring it to their attention)  a donation will ensure good customer relations on our flight home....and I don't mean a donation of soap and  towels!!!

By the way, have you every farted at minus 10 - an interesting experience!!! Don't even get me started on the pissing. I made a fundamental error and spent about forty minutes chipping icicles off  Glady. Cheers lads for the heads up (excuse the pun).

By the way I apologise for the casual take on my blog  - I am leaving that to my team mates who, no doubt are spelling out name places and giving you factual information,I should have put a parental warning on Day One. For those of you following my progress, I would advise that it should only be for the eyes of those Over 18 and bearing in mind my definition of altitude sickness which is setting in nicely, things can only get worse.

On a serious note. Thank you for your continued support. All donations are gratefully received and despite my offensive blog, I hope you will continue to support Cancer Research who, whilst they endorse my actions, will probably not endorse my blog.

Until next time, which will hopefully be from the top.

DAY SIX
We have done it!!! Kilimajaro is well and truly nailed. Thank you everyone for your support. I am so tired and emotional I am unable to say anything further right now but as soon as I've had some rest, I will provide all the details.

Once again, thanks for your support

Mags

If you want a more detailed description as to how this challenge is going, why not check out the blogs of my partners in crime www.justgiving.com/dbarnes  and www.justgiving.com/jasonhayes.  Be warned - they won't be as funny as me!!!