*Trigger warning: this page contains content relating to miscarriage which may be upsetting for some people.*

Welcome - and thank you for visiting our fundraising page. 

We’re Nicola and Joe, a pretty average couple in our 30s. I sing in a choir, Joe likes seals, we watch too much Netflix. And in March 2019, we had a third miscarriage. 

There’s no easy way to say that and no simple life lesson learned we can share with you that’s come from it. It was heartbreaking then, all three were, and still hurts now. 

But the baby loss charity Tommy’s helped us so much and we want to raise money for it now, to help others going through this awful experience. So in 2021 we’ll be taking on our biggest ever challenges, both together and separately. 

• Together: not one, but two hiking ultramarathons:

• On 19 June - the 85km Race to the King into Winchester in 24 hours. 

• On 30 April 2022- an epic trek of 106km around the Isle of Wight.

• As part of our training for the above, on 27 March we will also be completing the (now virtual) London Winter Walk, a full marathon - only this time without the usual support crew and rest stops of an event.

• Separately:

• In October, I’ll be running (yes, a girl who is allergic to exercise and suffers from fairly severe rheumatoid arthritis) my first half marathon in Oxford.

• Also in October, Joe will be taking on the London marathon, with an extra three half marathons during the year, just for good measure. 

All the money we raise will go to Tommy’s and do so much good. If you can give, it would be wonderful if you could contribute to our fundraising efforts. If not, thank you for taking the time to read this.

Why is this important?

Tommy’s is the baby loss charity - specifically, it does vital research into miscarriage, stillbirth and premature birth to support babies, parents and families. Tommy’s believes that the current statistic of 1 in 4 pregnancies ending in miscarriage is too many. By learning about the root causes of miscarriage, more can be prevented and fewer families will experience the devastating, and too often untalked about, trauma of miscarriage.

We‘ve decided to share our stories, because awareness and understanding of these issues is so important.

Nicola’s Story

Joe and I have had 3 miscarriages, each one more difficult than the last. The first time, so full of hope and excitement, we were devastated to be told at a scan that whilst I still felt pregnant, and had none of the symptoms usually associated with miscarriage, our baby had failed to develop. We had to wait for 2 weeks for a follow up scan “just in case”, because the sonographer didn’t remember to refer us to the early pregnancy unit at our local hospital. I didn’t even know “missed miscarriage” was a possibility, and after it had been confirmed I had to spend the next few days walking around waiting for my body to catch up and miscarry naturally. It was an overwhelming time, and because we hadn’t told anyone other than my mum I was pregnant, buying into the standard assumption that one shouldn’t talk about such things before 12 weeks, we didn’t really then feel able to tell anyone about our loss. But, after a while, we were able to feel a bit more positive. After all, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, this was “normal”. There was no reason to think it would happen again. 

Only it did. The second time was more how I would have expected a miscarriage to occur. Blood, pain, and a hasty trip to A&E to be told that, yes, I was miscarrying again and the only thing to do was to wait for it to finish.

Even after all that, the NHS still requires a woman to have a further miscarriage before it will investigate whether there are any underlying causes, and so often the answer still turns out to be “we don’t really know”. We weren’t offered any support or professional help to try and guide us through the trauma of losing a second baby.

Losing a child, at any stage of pregnancy is heartbreaking and there was a time when I thought our third loss might break me. We had come further than in previous pregnancies, and an early scan had detected a heartbeat. For the first time we relaxed a little, and allowed ourselves to feel excited. A few weeks later, at a ‘reassurance scan’ we were told there was no heartbeat any more, and I was recommended surgery so that they could test for any chromosomal abnormalities which might have caused the loss. The support of a few close family members and friends has helped Joe and I immeasurably, but it’s not an easy subject to talk about - for anyone - and so many people hold this secret grief, loss and shame inside because there’s no open dialogue to raise awareness.

And so we are going to push ourselves to the limit (and probably beyond) to raise money for a charity that provides support, conversation tools and much needed research into a subject that is desperately needed; because it is only by understanding that we can improve the prospects for pregnancy, and because no one should face miscarriage feeling alone.

We know this has been a difficult year for many people, and money is tight so thank you for reading and please do give generously if you can.

Joe’s Story

I think the problem is magpies. Seeing three or four of them upsets me. It’s because of the rhyme, because of “three for a girl, four for a boy”, because this makes me think of the boys or girls we didn’t have. For the rest of my life, magpies will always make me sad.

They often describe it as “losing” a baby, but it doesn’t feel like a loss, it feels as if a life has been taken from you. 

I was proud of my wife after our third miscarriage when she refused to cry. She refused to cry because she had to walk back through a room of expectant mothers waiting for their own scans. She didn't want to upset them or scare anybody. I can’t imagine being as brave as that.

Unfortunately, many of the women we passed will have had a miscarriage. Some, like us, will have more than one. They’re very common, much more so than I realised. Around 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage Yet we rarely talk about them. Men especially, as with many deeply personal tragedies, often never do. But why? Expectant mothers suffer physical trauma as well as mental trauma, but that doesn’t make the pain of those who hoped to be fathers any less. 

Yet then and now Tommy’s helped people like me and my wife so much. But it needs our help as well, our help to fund its vital work.

Let’s keep the conversation going and the light on.

I’m not over what happened to us. But I’m not sure I ever want to be. Those potential boys or girls are part of who I am. I want to hold onto the imagined moments with them, the dreams of what might have been. Tommy’s has helped me come to terms with this and it’s important that it survives to support others. Anything you can give will be hugely appreciated.

Note

We’re not 100% sure covid won’t derail any of these races, but fear not - we have contingency plans for that eventuality.

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