I first found out I was pregnant on November 15 2010. I was five weeks gone and although we had officially been trying for a baby for a short time I was shocked scared and excited all at once. After sharing this information with John I also let my close family & friends in on the big secret deciding that it was best to wait till after I got past that vital 12 week stage before telling anyone else. You know that after you get past that stage that it’s pretty much going to be alright, isn’t it?

 

I didn’t have an easy pregnancy but then I wonder if any pregnancy is ever easy ………. Tiredness, fatigue, sickness, weight gain, swelling and that was just the first trimester. It got better in the second trimester and during some holidays with John at this time I felt like I could have taken on the world. The third trimester hailed the return of the swelling which got so bad that my dear friend Suzanne nicknamed me Princess Fiona or Professor Klump. This was also the trimester where Mia became super active. I was told by the midwife that she was lying back to back and that I should try to move her with the use of a pilates ball to ease her into a better position for delivery. I have to admit that their was a part of me that loved Mia being in that position because I could see every movement, her arms and legs moving across my stomach when she was changing position and boy, did she move a lot?!? I never once tired of watching this and have to say I was totally in awe of my magical little girl.

 

On Monday 11 July I went to bed early planning lots of pampering for the next day but I woke at around 2am on the morning of Tuesday 12 July with my waters breaking; a strange sensation that had me excited about eventually meeting my daughter and fearful at the prospect of labour. John was excited about meeting his daughter but was also excited about the prospect of a few weeks away from work to spend with the “family”. There was some blood in the waters and not knowing if this was normal I called the maternity ward straight away. They told me that it could be normal but they would send an ambulance just to be sure. Looking back I should have seen the need for an ambulance as a warning of what was to come but I was 39 weeks pregnant and going to be a Mum for the first time; nothing could possibly go wrong, could it? With that in mind, I got dressed, grabbed my pre packed hospital bag and went in the ambulance to the hospital. Little did I know that my little girl was already gone and had pretty much lost her life while I was getting ready to go meet her.

 

After arriving at the hospital they where unable to find Mia’s heart beat and told me that my little girl had died. They then told me that I was in labour and I would have to give birth to her. I think at that point I just shut down or went into shock; I’m not sure what you might call it but I didn’t shed a single tear and I couldn’t find any emotion within me to deal with this news. After an 18 eighteen hour labour my little girl was born at 6.20pm on Wednesday 13 July weighing 6lb 13oz. Her Daddy described her to me as “a wee cracker” as he was the first to see her. I couldn’t bear to look at her and asked John to take her out of my room for when I returned to the ward. It was like looking at her would make all of this real and I wasn’t ready to face the fact that she was actually gone. I did hold her later that night and she lay in a cot beside my bed that whole night though it wasn’t until the next morning that I understood my little girl was gone forever and I cried for the first time.

 

John & I spent the next two days with Mia, holding her, cuddling her, changing her, dressing her, taking photographs, talking to her and getting her wrapped up before laying her in her cot with her new rag doll ………… all the things that new parents are supposed to do. I tried not to think about the fact that I was soon going to have to leave her and instead tried to enjoy the time we got to spend together. Family & friends also came to the hospital to meet Mia, also taking it in turns to hold her or kiss her or just marvel at how extraordinary long she was showing that she was going to be super tall like her 6ft 5in Daddy. It also has to be said that she was a bit of a looker and I’m sure she took that part after her Mummy.

 

I’ll never forget having to walk along that corridor knowing that I was leaving Mia in the hospital and that John and I would be going home alone. I remember the feeling of emptiness growing with every step nearer to the hospital exit.

 

Mia came home the day before her funeral and we got to show her our family home where we had hoped she would grow up, she got the chance to spend the night in her bedroom and get more cuddles from Mummy & Daddy. I only know that the next morning I wanted to lock that door and not let them come to take her. I knew that when I left the house with her that morning that I would never see her again and I would have happily barricaded the door to delay that time just a little longer.

 

Mia’s funeral was a solemn affair and with the many people that came to say their goodbyes or pay their respects it was evident jut how much this beautiful little girl had touched so many people. I know that John and I will never forget her and as long as she lives on in our hearts and in our minds then she’ll be here forever.

 

From this Mia’s Charity Fundraiser has been born. I would like to raise as much money as possible to assist Sands with helping other families affected by stillborn birth. I also want to help Sands fund research to look at why the UK has one of the highest stillborn rates in the developed world with 17 babies being stillborn or dying shortly after birth every single day.

 

I also want to do everything I can to keep Mia’s memory alive.

 

So dig deep and donate what you can.

 

Thank You

 

 

 

 

 

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