My cousin and I have spent the last year going from simply ‘getting out’ to training for a marathon. It’s going to be quite the feat. We lost her mum (my aunt) to suicide in a time when I was unable to even comprehend what suffering she and my other cousins could possibly be going through. When my husband, Simon, died to suicide in May 2020 she supported me in ways I had not even come to recognise until even very recently. 

One of those ways was keeping me going out.  This is what Simon used to help me with, by supporting every run big or small cheering me on from behind his cup of coffee ☺️ Simon was not a fan of running himself but he never failed to be my cheerleader, support my efforts, and make me feel like I could achieve anything. He was my hero. He never failed to be a generous, kind, thoughtful, humorous, and loving husband and father. 

Although we no longer have those we have lost with us in person, we have every moment we shared in the stories and anecdotes we tell to keep us going throughout this grief journey. 

Thanks to various lockdowns and logistics we will still have not managed to achieve a wake/commemorative celebration of his life with all his friends, family, and loved ones near by. The recent passing of his mum means this training will be during a time of further loss, but she was proud of what we were achieving every challenge that came our way. 

On 9th May it will have been two years that he look his life, I am tackling this marathon a month prior to this anniversary in his honour. 

Rituals after losing someone, especially someone so deeply connected to us, are an important part of grieving in a healthy way. It is not just the lack of social interactions that has prolonged and delayed our early grief reactions, but the lack of opportunity to hold such important rituals as humans. Sometimes the simple act of doing things in memory of those we loved the deepest are not only part of our own ritual therapy, but they help us to keep their memory alive, keep them with us, and keep us going too. One step at a time. 

Grassroots say:  -“When someone has thoughts of suicide, connecting with others can make all the difference. But reaching out can feel impossible. So many people go through this pain alone.That’s why preventing suicide means working together. Together, we can fight dangerous stigma that stops people talking about suicide. Together, we can learn to recognise and support those at risk, and connect them with a network of lifesaving services. Together, we can prevent suicide.Grassroots works to make sure nobody has to go through thoughts of suicide alone.”

I was connected with my husband, and it still couldn’t be prevented. Lockdown saw an increase in suicide, one of which was my soulmate, Simon. If I can help prevent this happening to anyone else, then maybe this is part of the way there.