Why am I doing this?

I have been battling depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation since I was 16. During that time I have undergone several low points, some more severe than others. 

One of my most recent depressive periods was quite intense. This took place about six years ago after my son was born. I was overjoyed about being a parent, but soon these fears of “How do I actually parent” and “how do I support a family on my income” came in and the more I dwelled on it, the more I became convinced that my son would be better off without me.

One evening at work (I was the last one in the office), with tears streaming down my face, I wrote suicide note. I had made up my mind that I was going to unbuckle my seatbelt and crash my car into a bridge on the motorway on my way home.

Before I shut down my laptop that evening, I was googling for a “best way to end a suicide note”. Back then, the top paid search result was for The Samaritans. I don’t know what made me do it, but I picked up the phone and I rang them. It is probably the single most important, subconscious decision I have made in my life. I remember crying to the lady who answered the phone and told her about my intentions. She did a lot of re-assuring that I was a good father and that my son would be worse off growing up without a dad. She referred me to my local mental health team who took over my care the following day.

Her parting words to me were: “When you drive home tonight, I want you to picture your son’s smile and hear his laughter in your ears.” That is what I did. Thanks to that advice, I drove past the bridge where – just hours before – I had decided that I was going to crash into, without even noticing.

I was fortunate that I had a lot of protective factors around me. I was also fortunate of being able to access fantastic counseling services, which sadly have since been cut to the bone.

It has been difficult dealing with these issues and it still is difficult some days, but one thing I have learnt and try to do is to look at it from a perspective of strength. When I think back on all the thoughts that I have had and how far down I had let myself fall and compare that with how far I’ve come, to me that is a source of strength.