Starting in October 2020, I had a very challenging ordeal thanks to (what I later found out was) a somewhat rare injury, compounded with less than ideal advice and support from medical providers. Around New Year's 2021, when my mobility had decreased to almost nothing because of pain levels, one doctor concluded that there was no cause, no treatment, no prognosis for improvement, put me on a pain medicine regime that didn't make a dent in my pain levels, and told me to think about long-term disability paperwork. For a person with a formerly at least moderately active lifestyle, the prospect of not being able to do all those activities again, especially at the age of 32, was very difficult to grapple with. I also struggled to disconnect my self-worth from my apparent perception of how "fun" I needed to be to deserve love. Sometimes rock bottom clarifies your perspective though, and that was the case for me. 

I am very proud of the work I did to re-center on my inherent value during this time. I had to flex my heart and mind muscle to come to terms with the fact that I am enough to love, no matter if my geographic radius doesn't extend beyond the couch. Somewhere in this inward turning, I found a whole lot of joy which honestly I'm still not entirely able to explain.

A few months later, a new doctor towards the end of March 2021 apparently unraveled the mystery of the injury and nerve related issues, and is helping my body cope and heal. Since then I've gained mobility back rapidly, although I'll be avoiding running, hiking, long days on my feet, or assuming what I can push myself to do, for the foreseeable future. 

I am so grateful for this, especially since I had gotten pretty far along the road of accepting that it wouldn't happen and I was working on building a very fulfilling but non-active lifestyle. So, the change was like a "new lease on life." A bonus I wasn't expecting. I want to use my excitement, this almost kind of physical rebirth, to support a cause I believe in.

NJ Highlands Coalition works to protect the stunning and ecologically vital forests, clean water, wildlife, farms and other natural, historic, and cultural resources of the NJ Highlands.Proceeds will support the Coalition, which represents a diverse network of organizations small and large, local, regional, statewide and national and individuals. Their mission is to represent their common goal to protect, enhance and restore the New Jersey Highlands and to preserve the quality and quantity of drinking water both for the 850,000 people in the Highlands as well as the more than five million people in surrounding areas who depend on Highlands water. This advocacy work is not only in line with my personal values, it is also complementary to my own professional efforts in the environmental industry, in which I recently became a Licensed Site Remediation Professional (LSRP) in the state of NJ. As such, I'm as concerned as ever with "protecting human health and the environment"  in any way I can.

I'm still learning a lot about internalized ableism, still exploring my understanding of the complexity surrounding body-related psychological distress, especially our society's role in body shaming and accommodating only perceived "default bodies." I still need and want to sit with my friends who may have intractable medical issues or factors that have limited their mobility, and learn from them how they are showing up each day to make the most out of whatever shape life is taking. If you have a story to tell, I hope you let me be one of your very fortunate listeners 

I'm also dedicating this to my granny, Ceva Gilbert, who passed away in May 2019. My only grandparent living during my childhood and young adulthood, I realize more and more how much of her quirky personality and extremely independent and resilient spirit are still here – in me – by genetics or environment or both. Doing this ride seemed like a better way to honor her than a tattoo. But maybe both... we'll see.🌺