The past year and a half has been hard for everyone, in ways that lots of us could never have imagined. I've always struggled with anxiety, but after several stresses this year, I suffered from chronic derealisation for six months. Derealisation is the body's natural stress response, and it works by removing you emotionally from a situation so you can escape without being paralysed by fear, and putting you in 'fight or flight' mode to scan for danger. Helpful when you're running away from a tiger or escaping a burning building - but not when you're going about your daily life.

It's hard to describe exactly how derealisation feels. It's a bit like watching yourself on a screen, going through the motions on autopilot. You become hyper-aware of everything around you, even your own existence, and you're plagued by terrifying intrusive thoughts all day. Most people will actually experience derealisation at least once in their life, usually just for a few minutes, but it becomes an issue when that feeling is analysed - when you start thinking, "Why does nothing feel real?" instead of letting it dissipate naturally. This is what happened to me. For months I felt completely disconnected from everything that had brought me comfort, even from my family and friends. I knew logically what was going on and that there wasn't really anything to be afraid of, but I spent every day filled with anxiety at the most mundane things or thoughts. At one point, I seriously considered dropping out of my PhD before I even started. I couldn't imagine having to give presentations and attend meetings in a new city if I was having panic attacks just getting the bus or eating at a restaurant.

I knew I couldn't deal with this on my own any longer, so I reached out and got help from my parents, my friends, and the NHS. Recovery has taken a long time and I've had some bad setbacks, but I can now say I'm finally in a place to get my life back on track. I even feel more able to cope with my anxiety, to stop letting it spin out of control. Running was one thing that, even on the most horrible days, I enjoyed - which is why I'm running the Brighton 10k in 2022 for Mind. I was inspired by my best friend's mother, Pauline, who ran the Brighton 10k last year for Grassroots Suicide Prevention, to run for a charity that's equally important to me and does vital, lifesaving work.

For more information on derealisation, or for help if you're struggling, I would really recommend dpmanual.com. This article on Mind was also a source of inspiration for me: mind.org.uk/information-support/your-stories/depersonalisation-my-four-months-of-terror/. If you're also struggling with your mental health, however trivial it might seem, reach out. There's only one you. There's a quote from The Comfort Book by Matt Haig that really helped me during my worst days, and reminds me to keep going: 

"I didn't realise that there is something bigger than depression, and that thing is time. Time disproves the lies depression tells. Time showed me that the things depression imagined for me were fallacies, not prophecies. That doesn't mean that time dissolves all mental health issues. But it does mean our attitudes and approaches to our own mind change and often improve via sticking around long enough to gain the perspective despair and fear refuse to give."