A letter to my friend

ISOBEL

My dearest, lovely lady. My husband watches for the day when I implode and grieve in spectacular fashion. He watches for signs when my defences fall and my face floods with pent up tears.

 

But you see my friend, our lives were so deeply intertwined, growing up together that you haven’t left me, in a way. Our shared times, disasters and triumphs, death of husband and lover, dreams of futures which were never as we imagined. All of these, and all of our time knowing each other means that you are with me every moment of every day.My life and soul has been shaped by knowing you.

 

When the storm of your home life became too frantic we would shelter behind books and Shakespeare. They say that everyone has their own particular Hamlet and ours will always be Ian McKellan in tight leather and we immediately fell in love. We knew so little then.

 

I was a buffer from the anger of your step-father and you were my route into the remarkable world of caring which comes with friendship.

 

You strived for excellence in all you did and had a beauty of spirit which was remarkable. I loved your sense of the absurd and the way we laughed. I loved your sense of adventure and when you climbed your first mountain, we had champagne at the top. You even flew out to see me in Miami when your marriage was in tatters and I arrived at your doorstep many times looking for the quiet haven you offered.

Your steadiness balanced out my erratic and chaotic journey and your honesty counteracted my evasions but I know that you loved me and found my adventures and refusal to bow to convention a perfect counterpoint to your steady life.

 

We had strength for each other and when the deep, dark days came, we were there to offer each other a way out to the light. The only major difference in our way of thinking was that you did not believe in anything after death. I insisted that this was not so and I know that you will be there with your glorious light to help me find my way, as you always have.

So, my lovely, magnificent friend, I want to let you know that I miss you each and every day and can’t express my loss because, as I have said, you are still with me and will always be.

 

I can’t feel despair at that.