🙋🏼‍♀️Hello…  

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Fiona, a 30 year old female from Bristol. I graduated university with a first class degree in Uniformed and Public Services in 2015 and shortly afterwards started my career working as police staff.  

It has taken courage for me to make my story with mental health public. Up until now I have kept my experiences and journey extremely private. I have also needed time to accept and understand my mental health. Two years on, I now feel empowered and passionate about sharing my experiences in hope it might encourage others to speak up and to try and help reduce the stigma surrounding mental health.  

Ultimately, it happened, it is now a part of me, I cannot do anything to change that and most importantly I will not let it define me.  

💬The Story - Here it goes… 

I feel it’s important to begin by saying that prior to 2020 I had never been in contact with my GP in relation to my mental health neither was I known to any mental health services. 

It was in summer 2020 that I began to suffer from stress and I was later diagnosed by my GP. I was subsequently diagnosed with anxiety and depression. My GP referred me for counselling and I was placed on the waiting list. I was also prescribed medication. Although I was extremely reluctant to start medication, it felt at this stage it was my only option, so I started a course of medication. It was roughly 6-8 weeks before I felt the full effects and began noticing a change, all while still waiting patiently for counselling.  

Shortly into 2021 my mood really began to elevate, which, I now understand was a state of mania. During this manic phase I began struggling with my sleep. As time went on my sleep worsened but my mood continued to elevate, I acknowledged that something wasn’t quite right but I could not pin point what was wrong. I again contacted my GP where I was diagnosed with Insomnia and provided further advice and support.  

In a desperate plea for further help I made several calls to 101 seeking further assistance, I rang the mental health crisis line multiple times and I also made a voluntary trip to A&E however upon arrival I was too scared to go in, fearing the unknown. Subsequently I suffered a mental health crisis and rang 999 during a panic attack; consequently I was taken into A&E voluntarily via ambulance. I was told I was suffering with acute stress, provided with advice, given a leaflet about counselling and sent away. I was desperate to get help.  

🏥Treatment & Further Diagnosis   

As a result of feeling and being unsupported at the time, my mental health deteriorated rapidly, and it became so severe that a further 999 call was made, on this occasion by my kind neighbour who thankfully was a registered GP. This time, it resulted in me being detained, under The Mental Health Act (1983). After spending roughly 15 hours in A&E I was eventually diagnosed with first episode psychosis and hospitalised for treatment.  

My memories of the days prior and during my hospital admission are very limited. What I can remember of the 5 weeks I spent in two different hospitals is extremely traumatic. I had lost my freedom, my power and also what felt like, my dignity. My experience showed me the very raw and real side of mental illness that many never get to see and proved anyone can be affected, despite your successes or background. 

🪫 Discharge & Reality  

Upon discharge I was placed under the primary care of the NHS Mersey Care Early Intervention in Psychosis Service on a 3 year pathway. I was then given a further diagnosis of Bipolar Affective Disorder, defined as a disability under The Equality Act (2020). I can remember the day so vividly. I was shocked, confused and also it shames me to admit, embarrassed. I recalled the countless times my friends and I had thoughtlessly thrown the word “bipolar” around without regard to its true meaning, or severity.  

The time after my discharge was challenging, very distressing and an extremely sad time. I feared relapse at any given moment, I questioned my entire being, my life and ruminated constantly about the future of my career, which I had worked so hard to achieve. 

I worried what people would think and what people would say if they found out. I worried about the prejudice, misunderstanding and discrimination I may face. I would panic about having those “shameful” conversations where I’d have to disclose my vulnerabilities, especially to new people, I was inevitably going to meet in life, those who didn’t know me, I felt like the authentic person I’d always been had been stolen from me, i felt like I’d lost all control and I just wanted it to all go away.  

Particularly with the added stigma of psychiatric hospitals. They were labelled a place for crazy people, not “people like me” I didn’t belong there, I naively believed. But as I learned, this was so far from the truth. The words dangerous, crazy and incompetent often came to my mind, rather than just telling my self the raw truth; I was unwell, an unwell patient, who had been in hospital and was in the process of recovery, just without a cast, a scar or no evidence of a X-Ray showing or outlining the pain.

💡Hope, Recovery & Life now  

In January 2022 I made the decision to stop all medication and I also returned to work. Shortly after, with the Early Intervention Service, I began Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and in January 2023 I began Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing Therapy. 

On completion of this, my family and I will together be taking part in intervention sessions for understanding, education and awareness of my experiences and bipolar diagnosis. 

I often underestimate how much of difficult time it has been for them too, to witness someone you love, be pushed to the point of requiring involuntary, professional intervention was terrifying and left them feeling utterly helpless. 

My therapy journey continues to be enlightening, educational and I also believe lifesaving. I’ve learnt strategies that will stay with me and be used for the rest of my life. I’ve learnt that sometimes people won’t understand your journey. But that’s ok, they don’t need too, it’s not for them. It’s taught me that being able to be your true self and acknowledge your struggles is one of the strongest components of good mental health.  

I’ve now got a better awareness and understanding of Bipolar Affective Disorder and I’ve accepted that there will be extreme lows and extreme highs, but I’ve now got the tools to hopefully equip me to fight through them. I know now it is possible to live well, feel well and also find happiness living with a mental health condition.

🌟The challenge - 14,000 ft Tandem Sky Dive 

They say don’t look back, but sometimes you have to, to just see how far you’ve come. I can now take strength from my weakness and it took seeing low points to realise how strong I am.  

So, in light of my recovery and all of the above, on Saturday 20th May 2023, exactly two years to the date, and during mental health awareness week, I am going be jumping out of a plane at Skydive Langar, in the heart of the Midlands to raise money for charity! 

🤍The charity - Mental Health Foundation 

The MHF is a UK charity focused on preventing mental health problems. They endeavour to help everyone understand and protect their mental health and the mental health of those around them. It is important to remember that everyone has mental health and, just like physical health, sometimes you can be well and sometimes you can be unwell. The money raised will help to deliver vital research and develop solutions to improve prevention and treatment for the 1 in 6 people affected by mental health problems every week. 

💐Acknowledgements  

It wouldn’t sit well with me if I didn’t use this platform to acknowledge a few incredible people who have been on this journey with me.  

So, a special thank you to everyone I have come across in the invaluable Early Intervention Service, in particular Sally, my care coordinator, Jane, my therapist, Roz, my employment specialist, Dr Stephens, my Psychiatrist and Vicky, my first care coordinator. A huge thank you also to Jo, my UNISON representative, who has been with me every step of the way. I can whole heartedly say I cannot imagine having been through this journey without all of your patience, care and support. You have all gone and continue to go, above and beyond and I cannot thank you enough.  

And, of course, a huge massive thank you my true friends, you know who you are, and last but not least, my family; in the words of George Michael “you’re amazing”. No words will ever be enough and I’ll be eternally grateful for you.  

💸Donations & Spreading the word  

So, if you can, please, please donate! However big or small it will help achieve good mental health for all. If you can’t make a donation, it would be great if you can please share my page to help spread the word.  

Thank you so much for reading my story, and in advance for your generosity, support and kindness. Lastly, if there is anything at all you can take away then please just remember;

🌈Not all battles are visible and neither are victories, so please, always be kind. 

Love and strength always  

Fiona   

💜