As some of you may know, I have struggled with an eating disorder and depression for the past few years. This has been extremely challenging, and, at times, I had no hope for a positive future. But here I am, living it. I've wanted to share my experiences for a while, but I knew I wanted to be sharing them from a positive place and so have waited until now to do so. I'm living my best life: studying at my dream university and am truly happy being me. This has not been a simple journey; it's consisted of ups and many downs, but I'd do it all over again as it has made me the person I am today and I'm proud of that.

I first started struggling with my eating in 2018, when I started trying to lose weight and get fit over the summer. However, I became obsessed with food and everything to do with it. I tracked every calorie I ate and made up for eating by exercising. I could not go anywhere without my trusty fitness watch and calorie counting app. I quickly started to lose weight, but I lost myself with it. I didn't want to stop; I weighed myself multiple times a day and it very quickly took over my life. It became the only thing that mattered - my only motivation to get out of bed each day was to weigh less when I went to bed that evening. This led to my first hospital stay. The crazy thing is that I was proud of this, I was ill enough to be admitted and that meant I was succeeding. All the illness wanted was for me to be a 'good anorexic' and I cared about nothing else. A few days of eating granted me my freedom from hospital, but I was yet to hit my lowest point. Luckily, I had the pastoral care at school to hold me together, constantly trying to keep my head above water when I was doing everything I could to sink. I will always be thankful for their care and help (you know who you are!). I spent the next few months almost pretending to recover when behind the scenes I was still in self-destruction mode. As with the nature of the illness, this soon caught up with me again and my vital medical signs became unstable once more. I honestly did not care about anything apart from my weight. I didn't care when doctors told me I was a walking heart attack risk. I didn't care that I was at risk of not making it through my 18th year.

Of course, this led to another admission to hospital. I fought with the nurses over every bit of food they wanted me to eat. It took me two weeks to get out of hospital that time, but I left with a new feeling of hope. Something had clicked in me after a psychiatrist had convinced me it was possible to make a full recovery. I left with my meal plan in my hands and a new attitude that I could kick anorexia's ass! The rest of the year I worked so hard in my recovery, and I thought I was doing really well until late 2019 when I completely relapsed. However, this was the first time in my life when I asked for help myself. I was living on my own in Birmingham and self-referred myself to the local mental health trust. I had hit an all-time low, but I was so desperate not to live like this any more. Enough was enough. For months I had twice-weekly meetings with mental health specialists to work on the problems behind my eating disorder. I completed a self-esteem program and learnt to reframe the unrealistic expectations I had for my body. Did you know that if Barbie was a real person, she would not physically have enough room in her body for all her organs and would have to walk on all fours?! I realised I was not the problem; the media's expectation was. This time last year I had agreed to go to a daily eating disorder treatment program, where I would have all my meals and receive all the treatment I needed. But Covid hit. My program was cancelled, and I was sure there was no way I could recover. This was the moment I knew no one could recover for me, and I had to do it for myself. I finally felt ready to tackle it. I worked so hard, many tears were shed and I'm proud to say it got me to where I am today. I no longer even think about calories, no food is off-limits (even pizza!) and I am the happiest I've ever been. With this has come a huge passion for helping others using my past experiences. So many young people are struggling, and things need to change. I urge anyone who is struggling with disordered eating or any mental health issue to reach out for help. Asking for help is one of the strongest things I've ever done. Life does get better. The support that Beat provides has helped me personally and can help so many others, including people who are ill themselves and give their carers support, too.


£14
Pays for a Helpline advisor for an hour to provide support and advice

£25
Pays for information and posters to be displayed in schools and universities

£76
Funds the supervision of five peer support volunteers to help families cope

£108
Provides a parent whose child is ill with regular peer support sessions for one month