Thank you for taking the time to visit my JustGiving page. On Sunday 28th November I will be running across Singapore with Lizzie and Lucy. 

Having recently recovered from Post Natal Depression and Anxiety, I have decided to raise money for Postpartum Support International (www.postpartum.net), an organization that I leaned on for resources and information: 

The purpose of the organization is to increase awareness among public and professional communities about the emotional changes that women experience during pregnancy and postpartum. Approximately 15% of all women will experience postpartum depression following the birth of a child. Up to 10% will experience depression or anxiety during pregnancy. When the mental health of the mother is compromised, it affects the entire family.

I am sharing my story in the hope that I might be able to help others in some small way, so here goes. 

I gave birth to my son Rufus in October 2020, and whilst he was born during a global pandemic in Singapore, I was fortunate that I genuinely enjoyed my maternity leave and adjusted to life as a new Mum pretty easily. I went back to work in May 2021 when Rufus was 6.5 months old. I wanted to go back to work, I had great child care set up, I had planned how I would make time for Rufus at the beginning and end of each day and I was excited about the journey ahead. 

My first couple of weeks were as expected - crazy and overwhelming (but no surprises there). However, as the weeks went by I found myself really starting to struggle. I would get up in the morning and it was as if every fiber of my body was telling me to stay at home and be with my baby; but at the same time I knew I had to go to work and that I used to love work (I had been promoted at the beginning of my maternity leave and was excited about my ongoing growth). I started to feel more and more overwhelmed in my role (despite a great support network both within and outside of work) and was finding it very hard to think and solve problems. I was approaching everything with a negative mindset and kept thinking that I had forgotten how to do my job and constantly questioned why I felt so hopeless. I would cry in nearly all my 1:1's with my manager, and couldn’t understand why I couldn’t perform at the level I was used to performing at before I took maternity leave. At the time I thought it was because I wasn’t trying hard enough, so I threw myself into working longer hours and spending less and less time with my son so that I could try and catch up on everything I had missed during my maternity leave. I kept thinking that I would wake up one day and be fixed or feel better. 

My strategy didn’t work, I became more and more anxious, not just at work but at home too. I struggled to make decisions around what to feed my son and choosing what he would have to eat each day started to overwhelm me. I kept trying to negotiate with my husband and find a way to stop working completely so I could spend time with Rufus. I thought the career that I had worked so hard for was over. Eventually I stopped sleeping and my weekends became just as anxiety inducing as going to work. 

It finally got to a point where I was so unwell that I could no longer function day to day. I would have meetings and then immediately find my husband (as I was working from home) and start crying because I didn’t feel like I was performing or doing my job (despite being reassured by my Manager that I was delivering what was expected of me). I would tell him that I couldn’t do it anymore. My executive functions had shut-down in my brain and I wasn’t able to make the smallest of decisions, or even have a discussion about planning a trip to the UK to finally see my family. 

Fortunately, my closest friends and husband could tell I was unwell (even though I couldn’t see it myself -  I just thought working and having a baby was supposed to be this hard) and they encouraged me to see a psychiatrist. At that point I was diagnosed with PND/A. I was in shock. I didn’t believe it and worst of all I thought that I had made all of my symptoms up and I was purposely trying to sabotage my career because I wanted to be a stay at home mum. 

To cut a long story short, I eventually had to take medical leave from work to recover. I couldn’t even write the email to my boss to tell her what was wrong or what was happening, my husband had to do it for me. I remember my last day at work, having to tell my team that I was going on leave (after only being back for 2 months), having to hand over all of my work..again! At that point I genuinely thought my career was over and that I had lost my mind. I was numb, I couldn’t believe that I was in this dark, dark place. I genuinely thought that having a baby had ruined my life; as before I had a son I had my sh*t together and was a high performing individual both at work and in my personal life; having a baby had somehow ruined my ability to work and going back to work just wasn’t something I could manage. 

Fast forward 2.5 months of leave, a lot of therapy (bi-lateral stimulation, EMDR and TRE), a retreat, a lot of running, heart to heart’s with my personal trainer (Lizzie), mindful coloring, mantras, journaling, playing the singing bowls and painting - basically anything I could do to relax my mind and take it out of the  fight/flight/freeze mode - things started to improve. And like switching on a light, I began to see a way out beyond the constant rumination and worry. 

I returned to work in October and I have now been back almost 2 months and feel like a completely different person. Well in truth, I feel like myself again, but my actual self, and not the Emily that went back to work and didn’t realize she was unwell. I am 100% better, and am enjoying work more than I ever have. I have learnt so much on this journey (so much more than I could share here) and I would like to help others who might be experiencing something similar. And I can safely say that having a baby has not ruined my life, it has made it better in so many ways and I am so grateful to be well. 

If you know anyone that is currently experiencing a postpartum mood disorder, then please pass on my details. I would be happy to speak with them (it was through speaking to other Mum’s that were well again that gave me hope that I would recover too). If you are reading this and some of what I have shared resonates, then please remember that you are not alone and you are not to blame. Help is available and you will get better. 

If you are looking for some more information on PND/A then I highly recommend reading This Isn’t What I expected as a starting point. Knowledge is power and understanding more about what I was going through helped me to accept that I was unwell and focus on what I could do to recover. 

Thank you.

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