On the 4th August 2013 I will be cycling 100 MILES (!!) to raise money for count the kicks. If you want to know why, please read on...if the fact that this couch potato is cycling 100 MILES is enough for you please go right ahead and donate! :) 

When I became pregnant 18 months after the healthy birth of my daughter Emily I was straight on google to research my miscarriage risk. Having suffered three before her birth, I was convinced it would happen again. However the fact I'd had a live birth dramatically reduced my risk and the relief I felt was immense. I had been fraught with worry throughout my entire pregnancy with her so having been reassured i was determined to relax and enjoy this pregnancy. At the 12 week scan we were met with images of a healthy, very lively baby, and not long after i started to feel his movements. He was a very energetic baby! 

At the start of May 2010 we went to the lake district with friends for a holiday. I was around halfway through my pregnancy and was looking forward to a relaxing break. The first night something felt wrong, I went to bed and didnt feel the usual somersaults. As it was still relatively early for feeling movement I wasn't overly concerned. But the next morning I had still felt absolutely nothing and had a hunch something was wrong. The nearest hospital was an hour away and with no other symptoms other that my gut feeling I was hesitant about making the trip. However I was confident I knew my baby and his movements, I knew we had to make the journey. Although I thought there cant really be anything wrong...

At the hospital, despite my lack of symptoms, my concerns were taken seriously. I was taken for a scan. I laid on the scanning table and thought they'd say "yes all fine, come back if you have any other concerns" and we could carry on with our holiday. They didnt. The sonographers face dropped and she turned the screen away from me. I could literaly feel my blood run cold. she called over another sonographer and they began muttering to each other. She then turned and said the words no mother ever wants to hear "we are so sorry your baby has passed away. there is no heartbeat". The rest of the day was a blur, i have no idea what i did or said in the hours that followed. I remember wanting to get back to Guildford and the relative security of home. I went into labour the following day and it all felt very familiar... Going up to labour ward, the intense contractions, the gas and air, the sounds of babies being born down the hall only this time I knew the ending would be very different. I knew all this pain wouldnt be "worth it in the end". I knew when my baby was born he would never take a breath, I would never hear him cry. After 9 hours in labour my son Toby was born. He was tiny, but perfect.  We were given some time to say our goodbyes, the midwives took some pictures and prints of his hands and feet. Then he was taken away. Someone came in to discuss funeral arrangements and whether we would like a post mortem but all I wanted was my baby back. The whole experince felt like a twisted nightmare. Leaving the hospital without my baby was the most unbearable pain I'd ever felt. 

What I hadn't realised was that was the easy bit, the difficult bit would be the months, and years, that would follow. There were milestones to get through... the funeral, his due date, his post mortem, his first anniversary, second anniversary, it would never really end.

But I had it easy compared to some of the truly tragic stories I have heard of stillbirths. It is these stories, and the haunting memory of my experience, that has inspired me to raise money for the amazing charity count the kicks. Through empowering mums to be with knowledge of babies movements they work to save little lives. Im not known for my physical fitness but I will complete the 100 mile course in loving memory of Toby Hutton, the beautiful Connie Etherington and the girl who inspired the charity, Chloe Wyatt. x