I have Anorexia Nervosa and Exercise Addiction

When I think about it, I don't think I've ever really openly admitted that I have an eating disorder. Over time I have realised that it's not simple and it's something I have enjoyed hiding and not coming to terms with for a long time. I think in this society we are known for hiding the way we actually feel and putting on a brave face. Social media loves to encourage this. But I strongly believe that in order to get better, we need to own our struggles. Let them be known, identify them and use them to make us stronger. We are not defined by our problems not unless we give in to them and let them win. Our circumstances never determine who we are, they reveal who we are. So let's break the mould and face it head on. 

I am proud to say that I am finally at a point in my life where I feel like I am actually in recovery. It's a constant battle and I still have a hell of a way to go and I have come to terms with the fact that I am going to have to live with this for the rest of my life. On my journey, I have been told a lot of things, good and bad but there's a lot that have stuck with me. A woman who has recovered from Anorexia said that, "an eating disorder is not the same as any kind of addiction or illness. When you are a recovering alcoholic, you can completely cut alcohol out of your life. The same with drug addiction. However, as humans we need food and drink to stay healthy and to be alive! This is what makes it one of the hardest illness to recover from. We constantly have to face it every single day." This makes it no surprise that the average recovery time for an eating disorder is 7 years! I have been suffering with this illness for over 5 years now and I think I've finally realised ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Someone once told me that recovery can never truly begin until it comes from you. You need to want it. Yes people can help you along the way but at the end of the day YOU ARE IN THE DRIVING SEAT. I spent years trying to please other people and trying to get better for others when I would actually rather stay the same and be at one with my safety net and control of the illness. However, over time I think I can finally say that, I, ME and MYSELF wants nothing more than to recover from this illness and I'll do whatever it takes to get there.

I'm not going to share my whole journey through anorexia and exercise addiction as this is something I hope to do once I am fully recovered. In the future I really want to help others like me who are suffering with eating disorders. Going through therapy, treatment plans etc I strongly believe that no amount of PHD's, university degrees, CPD training etc can explain what it's like to have an eating disorder. Yes we can have similar experiences but everyone's is different and this is something no degree can teach. Every person I have worked with over the years has been great and I'm so thankful to them but I really feel like I could of done with someone who knows what it's like to go through what I am going through. These psychotherapist, therapists, dieticians, nutritionists can have all the knowledge in the world however until they have been through it themselves they never truly know how it feels to be in our position. This is why I'm really looking forward to the point in my life where I can help people out there who are suffering and let them know that they are not alone. I want to show people that recovery is possible for anyone and help everyone out there to achieve it. 

Throughout my journey with the illness, I have always hated praise and positive reinforcement when I have done something which challenges the thoughts and gets me closer to living a better life. I think this is something which the anorexia drilled into my brain as it never wants me to recover. It was always telling me never to please people, "make them worried, make them sad but whatever you do don't make them happy because then you are going against me and doing the 'right' thing". It had the biggest control over me. It was my bestest friend, my only family member and honestly the only thing I felt I had at the time. It was safe and I was trapped. Anorexia and any eating disorder changes you. It swamps your brain into thinking what you're doing is for the best when really it's the last thing you should be doing. It destroys your relationships with your loved ones and takes away all the things you used to love doing. I became numb to it. I was no longer living but surviving. Well breathing at least. I become robotic, no feelings, no emotions, just fully devoted to my illness. I wasn't Hannah anymore but just a reflection of the illness. Slowly but surely it stripped away everything. It's funny because even when everything out of your life goes and you are at rock bottom, the illness still finds it's way to control you and I wanted nothing more than give in to it. I gave it everything but now I am determined to get it back. I want to get my life back and punch anorexia in the face. I will never forget what it has done to me but I will always remember the woman it will change me into and I know that she will be stronger than she ever has been. 

Like I said, alot of things have stuck with my throughout my journey and someone once told me that I should give me illness a name. This is so I realised that my illness was not a part of me but almost like a monster which is controlling my life. I call it Jeff. This is mainly because one of the most evil characters in Coronation Street was called Jeff. Also, Jeff eventually died in Corrie and that's exactly what I want to happen to the Jeff I have now. 

In the words of the Courteeners, “You’re not nineteen forever, pull yourselves together.” I’m not 19 forever and we are not on this earth forever so let’s try and live in the moment, enjoy what we have now and live everyday like it’s our last. This song just makes me realise not to dwell on the past, present or future and just enjoy my life for what it is and deal with it! :) 

I have posted a few pictures of me when I was at my illest and in the deep depths of the illness (in the gallery) In some photos you see I am smiling and most people never suspected I was suffering so much. All the smiles and laughs in those days were fake and I’m so happy to finally find enjoyment in life and smile and laugh properly! I really hope you do not get triggered by the images I have posted and please if you do go and speak to someone and get help! Hurting people is the last thing I want this fundraiser to do! Everyone’s journey is different remember that! 

Sorry this is so long! But at the end of the day I am here to raise as much money for such a wonderful cause. I want to make as much of an impact as possible and stop the suffering people experience from an eating disorder. An eating disorder is can happen to anyone and it doesn't discriminate! It also impacts family members, friends etc (trust me it takes alot of effort and strength to support and watch someone go through an eating disorder!!) so I hope the money I donate goes into supporting them too! Please do donate what you can because even a little is better than nothing! Doing a skydive may be a bit nerve racking and scary but it's nothing compared to what ED victims have to deal with day in day out. 

Thank you all so much for reading this! Now it's time to donate!! I have set the target to 500 quiders because this is how much I have to raise to complete the skydive 🪂 but let’s double, triple and quadruple it!!!! I will see you in the sky :)