Paul and I met 25 years ago in 1990. We would have been married 22 years in April. We clicked straight away and as we got talking we found that our birthdays were the same day-10th April but he was 2 years younger than me and never let me forget it!! When he asked me to marry him there was really only one date we could choose-10th April!

On June 8th 2014, Paul started weeing blood, really badly so we went into A and E. They kept him in and did tests and then on the 10th we were given the news that he had a mass in his kidney. It was a bolt from the blue as prior to that he had absolutely no symptoms. A week later he had his kidney out and they also had to take out his spleen. I didn't know this but the spleen deals with the immune system so Paul had to take penicillin every day to stop infection. he recovered from the op well and we went for a CT scan in Sept. Unfortunately the cancer was extremely aggressive and in the short space since the op had spread to his lymphs, his lungs and his liver. We were told he needed to start chemo tablets straight away. These lowered his immune system so much that he caught pneumonia and had to go into hospital for over a week. During that time the oncologist came to see us and told us that he was doubtful that Paul would be able to go back on the chemo as he was too weak and because the cancer was so aggressive he would only have 4-6 weeks and would probably not make Christmas. We were devastated. However Paul was adamant he wanted to try the chemo again so the oncologist agreed and things seemed to be going well, the oncologist kept a close eye on him and his liver function improved suggesting that the tumours on his liver were shrinking. In November we had a big party because Paul really wanted one, he called it a 'shit happens' party (that's the sort of irreverent sense of humour he had!) It was fab and packed with friends . That was really the last time he went out, he got progressively weaker and found it really difficult to get around. We thought it was the effects of the chemo and it would get better, he had Christmas day and then really couldn't get out of bed. It was heartbreaking to see him so ill. The doctor was coming every day and the community nurses too, to help with his personal care. This he hated but he didn't want me to do it as he said he wanted me to remember him well and not sick. On New Year’s Eve we had a couple of drinks and toasted in the New Year, still feeling quite optimistic, still thinking that as his liver function was getting better (the doctor had done tests that week to confirm this). He fell asleep about 11.30 and I lay there by the side of him listening to all the fireworks, silently crying, praying that things would get better. My prayers were not answered. Jan 3rd the nurses came in and we could not rouse him, the doctor was called out. Initially the nurses thought he'd had too much morphine which I had administered so carefully, so I was so worried that I'd made him ill, even though I knew how carefully I had measured it. Then, when the doctor came out he discovered that he was in a coma due to low glucose levels which is an indication of liver failure. he was taken into hospital and they told me it was unlikely he would survive so I called in our family from both sides. The next day 4th Jan they said it would be kinder to stop his fluids, up his pain medication and let him die peacefully. It was a heartbreaking decision but the right one to make. He died peacefully in my arms. I am glad he is no longer in pain and that we got the chance to say goodbye and I know that he didn't want to be an invalid so really it was the best way for him. I try to remember that as I face the seemingly impossible task of facing life without him.

To get an idea of the fun we had together and the fantastic relationship we had here’s the letter I read out at his funeral:

Dear Paul

I don’t know where to start so I’ll start at the beginning, the first time I spoke to you. I was working behind the bar at The Sandridge, it was Sunday lunchtime and you and your friend Pete were discussing the night before and you said you’d slept with Donna..turned out you had bought a donner kebab and hadn’t eaten it and woken up to find it on your pillow next to you! We got chatting and mysteriously that week I had lots of things go wrong with my house that meant I had to go to the DIY shop where you worked, and you developed a thirst for John Smiths from the Sandridge. Then we both met a week or so later at the Chelsea Reach and went on to the Royal Swan to watch a band called The A Team. You came back to mine for coffee and asked if you could kiss me.. you always were a charmer! I was a good girl and a kiss was all you got that night! The rest is history, such a lot of history and so many happy memories.

I always enjoyed our holidays together, there were so many great times, some of which I remember, some of which are a bit hazy due to too many cocktails, especially the night we decided to go round all the bars in Praia de Rocha in Portugal trying a Margarita in each one, we even had a mark scheme, salt, size of lemon, presentation and bar service. Somewhere in our photos there is a photo of the winning one!

Like any woman I enjoy a bit of shopping but you had a strict rule about our trips to Liverpool, no more than 3 shops then a pub! Probably that rule accounted for some very questionable purchases but it was fun!

You always loved Christmas and I am grateful that we got to spend our last Christmas together. Always for as long as I remember we have watched the Wizard of Oz on Christmas Eve, one of your favourite films, I reckon we could both recite the script from beginning to end!  Clackerty always made an appearance at Christmas, she’s a Christmas decoration which sits on the mantelpiece and you reckoned she had a very scary face and that one day she’d come up to our bedroom on her clackerty legs and murder us with an axe!! We used to hide her in unexpected places to make each other jump. This year neither of us could find her and I expect I’ll come across her in some strange place you’ve hidden her and it will make me laugh.  

Then there were the simple memories, just sitting on the wall outside The Cask on a summers day, or cuddling up at home and watching a film or cooking a meal for each other, things you take for granted as a couple but things I’ll miss so much.

It wasn’t all happy memories though, like any couple there were times when we drove each other mad, I hated it when you would take your boots off and leave them in the middle of the floor and when you would drink too much red wine and fall asleep snoring  and breathing red wine fumes in my face! You hated it when I spent hours in the bath and used up all the hot water and when I nicked the duvet, you said that you weren’t hairy until you met me and you just developed hair as a way of keeping warm in bed

You didn’t only give me happy memories, you made me who I am today, you gave me confidence in myself, you always believed in me and supported me and made me feel good about myself and I hope I did the same thing for you, we were a team, you called us Team Antrobus.

You told me that when we got old our wrinkles would fit together like zippers, we were cruelly denied that by that shitty disease cancer which came into our lives like a wrecking ball. I am so proud of how you fought it, how you came through that massive operation, how you put up with the chemo. How you remained positive and retained your sense of humour. But then I wouldn’t expect any less from you. When you were diagnosed you told me that you didn’t want a long drawn out illness like you’d witnessed your mum go through, so I find comfort in the fact that you got your wish.  I’ll miss you desperately but it’s best for you that you are out of pain. You were an amazing person and the best husband any woman could wish for, I will always treasure the memories of our time together and I know that one day we’ll meet again...somewhere over the rainbow.

Love you always

Helen xx