On the 26^th of October I am walking the lost-hours walk (20 miles overnight across London and back) with hundreds of others who have been bereaved by suicide.

My mum: Anna-Maria Bernadette Sharpe was a kind and loving beautiful Irish lady. The eldest of eight children, she grew up in County Cork and was the only one to leave her family nest. She married twice, embracing the cultures both times meant she was a fantastic cook, a master of flavour, fusing Creole, Sicilian and Irish influences. Having ‘English meals’ or ‘freezer food’ in our house growing up was a rare treat! Mum loved gardening and had extremely green fingers. She was a big music lover with eclectic taste and I was of course heavily influenced by this growing up. She was always singing and dancing. I thought her silver Technics stack system and vinyl records were the best things ever. Some of her favourite artists were UB40, Andrea Bocelli & Gypsy Kings. Every now and then she ruined a decent song by drilling me and the neighbours with it relentlessly for months on end e.g. 'Lady in red' and 'Nothing compares to you' zzzZZZZ!!! Mum dressed well and was often called ‘chic’ and ‘lady-like’. She was creative, loved art and would make me laugh with her accounts of live nude volunteers in her art classes. She was happy and fun in company but in her final years became increasingly lonely and troubled.

We buried mum in Ireland the day before my 19^th birthday. My little brother was 12. Hundreds of people attended the funeral. She was a beautiful soul, loved by so many people. I am super proud to be her daughter. I know she thought she did the right thing, even for us, but you never stop needing your mum. Occasions and accomplishments where I feel her absence will never end. Only yesterday I would have run to her with the news her grandson got a ‘9’ in his mock business GCSE! 😊

My aim: I want to keep positive memories of mum alive for my children, the grandchildren she didn't get to meet. When I was young, too young to be thinking of children, she would often get excited telling me about all the baby outfits and blankets that she would crochet for them one day. The lost-hours walk is exactly 20 years after mum ended her own life (26.10.1999, R.I.P). Time for me to face my own pain in this direct and challenging way. 

My message: It's okay not to be okay! If you are struggling talk to someone. Feel your feelings (before that drink or other distraction techniques), be brave and share your feelings FIRST. Loved ones are likely to say or do unhelpful things if you worry them. Its normal and understandable (attachment = fear, guilt, opinions...) but there are lots of well-trained volunteers working in support services, reach out to them if you need... 'Loved ones', why not familiarise yourself with support available in your community and nationally. I was young and didn't yet have the experience and knowledge to ask "Have you thought about ALSO speaking to...?" 

The Lost Hours walk is the first CALM event and an opportunity to deal with grief differently and defiantly. We want to smash the silence around loss, and remember our sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers and friends out on the streets of London. Be part of it. Walk with us from Greenwich to Big Ben and back again to make change happen, and continue to grow our life-saving services. We have created the Lost Hours Walk for everyone who has lost someone to suicide, or who cares, as we do, about the thousands of lives lost every year.This will be a chance to come together with friends, family and other CALM supporters to remember, celebrate, take action and fundraise. The event will take place overnight on 26 October 2019, the night the clocks go back.