My name is Rachael I am a mother to three beautiful, clever, funny children.  You know before children, you watch One Born Every Minute and when the baby is passed to its mother at the end (after watching the labour over the top of your jumper) think “wow, that moment must be amazing!” Unfortunately despite having given birth three times I wouldn’t know. All of my babies were born premature and instead of that wonderful first meeting, I was left alone and frightened praying my baby would be OK. This year I am running the London Marathon to support Bliss and this is my story.

I was expecting my first child in 2010 and we were so excited. At the 20 week scan we found out we were having a baby girl and headed straight to Mamas and Papas to buy the cutest little dress! Everything was totally normal until, at 30 weeks, my waters broke in the middle of the night.

With no idea what was happening I was admitted to the maternity ward in floods of tears.  I was totally unprepared with no bags packed and no baby clothes ready.  After four long frustrating days that felt like a year, my daughter Madeline Jolie was born at 31 weeks, weighing 3lb 4oz.

She was whisked away before I could see or touch her (it all happened so chaotically that I didn’t have my glasses!) so my first glimpse of her was a Polaroid photo that was brought to me from the neonatal unit. She was covering in tubes and wires but I was amazed that I recognized her straight away.  We were taken to the unit a few hours later and it was overwhelming. Everyone was busy and other parents seemed to know what they were doing. We hung in the background feeling awkward and useless. Fortunately Madeline, although tiny, had no other complications. We were able to hold her after a day and were instantly totally smitten. She was beautiful.  

As time went by we became more comfortable touching things and getting involved. Changing a nappy through two holes in an incubator is like a challenge from the Krypton Factor! Madeline quickly came off the ventilator and moved through high to
low dependency. Each of these small steps is such a big deal. It’s funny now, thinking of phoning home in excitement to say, “She’s gone from 10ml to 15ml today!” After four weeks we were able to take Madeline home. It was very daunting leaving the hospital.  You go from your baby being monitored every hour and having lovely nurses on hand 24/7 to being on your own. We settled back at home however and Madeline grew into a gorgeous petite toddler.  

The experience had been so traumatic (and to be fair Madeline was a bit of a handful), I didn’t feel I could repeat it until three years later when I became pregnant again. I was reassured by my consultant that all pregnancies are different and there was no reason the same thing would happen again. At the 20 week scan we found out we were expecting a boy. Dean practically did a side kick and air punch he was so excited! I remember reaching 31 weeks and thinking, "Yes, I’ve done it!” 

Just a few days later though I was out shopping with my family when my waters broke. We all trooped to the hospital, me with a heart heavy knowing what we were about to go through again. This time I was given a drip to stop labour and after a week in hospital of no news, desperate to see Madeline, I persuaded my consultant to let me go home. She agreed and off I went with strict instructions to take my temperature religiously and stay at home.

After only a day however I started to feel that something was wrong. I couldn’t feel my baby moving and I had sporadic shooting pains across my stomach. I went straight back to hospital and blood tests showed I was developing an infection which is a high
risk once your waters have broken. We decided the best option was to get the baby out, so I was induced. After a few hours and little progress, the doctor found that baby’s arm was wrapped over his head which meant there was no way he could be delivered naturally.

Absolutely terrified and shaking like a leaf I was taken for an emergency caesarean section. The delivery was difficult as baby was stuck in the birth canal. He had gotten wedged in a loop with his feet tucked down by his head so an incision had to be made down as well as across to get him out. Eventually Felix Harry Dean Junior was born at 32 weeks, weighing 4lb 6oz. 

Again he was taken straight away and at first seemed to be doing well. However, the following day we were told the awful news that he had developed Meningitis which had been caused by my infection. We were shocked and horrified. The word Meningitis strikes the fear of god in you. Fortunately Felix had been treated with antibiotics from his first hours as a precaution so was in the best shape he possibly could have been in.   

Those next few weeks though were the worst of my life. The ups and downs were unbearable. He went from incubator, to cot, back to the incubator again when he wasn’t doing so well. Our family meant well, but it was awful having to repeat news over and over. I was in so much pain from the caesarean that I was finding it difficult to manage day to day tasks and the morphine was making me so spaced out I had to stop taking it. Being separated from my little girl was
breaking my heart. I was an emotional mess and felt like a failure because I wasn’t coping as well as I thought I should. 

I felt like I had to be strong for Felix and Madeline but just couldn’t stop crying (post pregnancy hormones probably didn't help much either!) I can remember it was Mother’s Day and Madeline gave me a “World’s Best Mum” mug. I sobbed like it was the end of the world with her eyeing me uncertainly! 

Felix had several lumber punctures during that time. It killed me to think of his little body going through so much when he should be bundled up warm and safe at home. One day I was sitting next to his incubator when a pain started between my shoulder blades. It spread around my chest and I couldn’t breathe. I was taken for an ECG scan but they didn't find anything. After listening to a feature on Radio 2 recently I now believe it was something known as “broken heart syndrome” which is a temporary weakening of the heart condition brought on by very stressful situations or surgery. Fortunately there are no on going effects but it just goes to show how stressful and difficult these situations are.

The practicalities of having a baby in hospital are not something that you immediately think of but are massively underestimated. Who looks after other children at home while one of you stays in hospital? Do you take time off work, unpaid, holiday, start paternity leave? How do you fund the travel costs, parking, food, accommodation? Our fuel bill alone was around £500 each pregnancy. 

Finally, after about four weeks, Felix’s blood cell count was improving meaning the antibiotics were working. I felt so bad worrying about the long term effects of Meningitis, feeling instead I should simply be thankful that he was still with us. We were told that he seemed fine, although we wouldn’t know if there had been any detrimental effects until he started to grow and develop.

Five months later, I found out I was pregnant again. I won’t lie. I was devastated. The trauma of what happened with Felix was still very raw and my body had barely recovered. Again they said there was no reason the baby should be early. My waters broke at 27 weeks! This time I was told that at 27 weeks it was likely that baby would survive however if I could make it to the next milestone of 28 weeks my baby’s chances, not only of surviving but of coming away unaffected, would be much better.

Theo Philip Blyton was born 28 weeks on the dot, at 2lb 3oz. Again he was taken straight away and when I saw him for the first time I was shocked, he was so much smaller than the other two. When we first visited him on the unit, the staff thought it was a joke. We had only left a few months ago!

Theo was in hospital for eight weeks. They say premature boys don’t do as well as girls, and this was certainly true for us. He was doing well but then went back into high dependency after suspected sepsis. This time I spent days and weekends at hospital but went home at night as Felix was only 11 months old. We eventually came home just before Easter and decamped to the Norfolk coast to recover. It was wonderful and I can’t imagine our family now without the cheekiest most mischievous funny little bundle of cuteness!

Theo is now three, Felix four and Madeline an ancient seven! They are all absolutely fine. It’s amazing that they have been through so much and come out the other end totally unscathed. I feel that we have been very lucky. The neonatal unit at Nottingham City Hospital were fantastic. They looked after my babies with the utmost care and I will be forever grateful for that. They gave me a room to stay in, provided me with food and even looked after my other children when they visited. This care and help is invaluable and makes life so much more bearable during what is probably one of the hardest times of your life.   

So with all this in mind I’m going to run this Marathon in support of Bliss and every step of the way I’ll be thinking of my babies, the babies still to come, and those that didn’t get to go home.

Bliss make a real difference to the 95,000 babies born premature or sick every year. Every donation that’s made to this page brings Bliss closer to ensuring that every baby born premature or sick in the UK has the best chance of survival and quality of life. Bliss does that by supporting parents to care for their babies, campaigning for better neonatal care and enabling life-changing research.