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What happened:

 

I was triggered into a major depression with accompanying intense anxiety by attempting to move towards employment. I couldn't cope with my feelings at all, so I shut everything out with food, alcohol, constant stimulation via books/Internet/DVDs/computer gaming. I stayed in my flat for 7 months, most of which was spent in bed. I put on 50 pounds (out of a total of 72 that I had lost over 3 years), and couldn't even throw my food waste away. I didn't want to get better; I wanted to get worse.

 

What changed:

I started to find it difficult to move around my tiny apartment. Walking from my bed to the bathroom or fridge caused me to become breathless. I had pain in my back from spending months lying down; my muscles (especially my 'core' muscles supporting my torso) atrophied. I thought to myself: 'I'm in my 30s and have no other physical disability than my obesity and related issues which I have caused by binge eating for months. I have to stop this.' (I know there are reasons for this, but it was still me doing the eating and growing outwards.)

 

After communicating with my therapist via email from the local personality disorders unit, I made the decision to go to Accident & Emergency AKA the Emergency Room and ask for the psychiatric liaison team who then referred me to the Crisis Team. I was at A&E for a few hours and was then discharged, to be visited by the Crisis Team daily for as long as was necessary. I felt pretty desperate, so I went straight to a self-help group for those with eating disorders. From then on, I've been going out every day; going to self-help groups and managing to attend both group therapy and individual therapy for my personality disorder.

 

Every day I do a bit of exercise; I try to increase the intensity and time I spend exercising in a gradual way. Every day I eat 3 normal meals and 2 planned snacks. Every day I talk to another human. Every day I step OUTSIDE of my front door.

 

This October:

 

This October my challenge will be going out every day. I am raising money for my local branch of The Samaritans which is a listening service for ANYONE who is experiencing emotional difficulties. They have been so helpful over the years; they help people survive.

 

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