Thanks for taking the time to visit my just giving page and reading my story

My story

Three weeks ago today on 18th August 2019 I prematurely lost my beautiful, longed for baby boy Freddie. Now I know for some of you, you’ll be thinking ‘hang on a second, I didn’t even know you were pregnant’, but for others who see me everyday you will know of the journey that I have been on to become a mummy and would have witnessed my growing bump. My goodness was this little man wanted, but that’s another story for another time......

On the Saturday evening my waters suddenly broke. I had just been discharged from hospital after they were unable to diagnose why I was in pain and as my condition appeared to be stable they were happy to send me home. But within five minutes of leaving the hospital I felt a surge of water and we returned to be told that my waters had broken and my baby would not survive so I would need to deliver them. At this stage they scanned me and my baby was still alive and had a healthy heartbeat. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and I felt utter despair. As I was not in any danger I was told I didn’t need to make a decision immediately. The fact that they mentioned the word decision meant to me I had options, so I spent that evening researching the likelihood of babies being able to survive in the womb after your waters had gone and I found enough evidence and strength to decide to continue with my pregnancy. After all I had only been given a 1% chance of being able to conceive and I’d beaten that stat so I wasn’t going to give up without a fight. I owed it to my baby to give them a chance. Never doubt what a mother will do for her child. Even after the doctors were concerned I may have sepsis I was still determined to fight for my baby. Surely they’d be monitoring me closely, so what could go wrong...? Yep, even sepsis was not a good enough excuse to give up!

The following morning on the doctors round I expressed my wish to continue with my pregnancy and it was met with respect and support by the consultant. That was a reaction I had not expected, but it gave me encouragement that this little miracle story would continue to have a happy ending. So I got myself up and showered and that’s when I noticed my baby’s umbilical cord had prolapsed. I knew at that terrible moment that my baby had died. I went strangely calm, I wanted to deliver my baby with serenity and respect. Due to my medical complications I needed to have a c-section to deliver my baby, so the next steps were to prepare for surgery. After I came round I was told that I had a baby boy. I thought my heart would burst, a little boy, my little boy. I hadn’t wanted to know during my pregnancy whether I was having a boy or a girl but I can’t begin to tell you how special it was to know I was a mummy to a son. I was told he was perfect and healthy but he had passed away before he was delivered. The devastation and heartbreak you feel when you lose a baby is indescribable, it is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. There is nothing anyone can say that can make it justifiable but the support, care and the environment that Spring charity are able to deliver at Poole hospital makes a horribly tragic situation strangely also one to be cherished. 

My midwife on the day was a wonderful, sparkly eyed and loving lady called Emma, who was truly an angel. Yes, it’s a cliche but I honestly could not have asked to be cared for by a more incredible person. It was like having a friend there and she made me smile and laugh through the shock and the tears as we celebrated the birth of my little boy in the most sensitive and joyful way. Yes, my baby had died but on that Sunday morning I had also become a mummy to a beautiful baby boy and that was something to be rejoiced in amongst all the sadness. 

Before I met Freddie, Emma gently showed me the memory box the team had put together for me. It has so many beautifully sensitive and comforting keepsakes, but the most precious are the tiny footprints and the tiny handprints of my little boy. A forever memory of how beautiful and perfect he was. I then felt ready to meet this little one who I had wanted so badly. Emma brought Freddie to meet me, he was tucked up in a tiny little white moses basket with a tiny little teddy bear nestled close by him, they’d placed him in the cutest little hand knitted sleeping bag, lying on a cosy blanket. My sleeping little man looked so beautiful and peaceful. His perfect little hands resting on his chest. He was just a tiny little baby, perfectly formed and oh my goodness he was so cute. I was afraid to hold him at first as I didn’t want to damage him, but once over that fear he got lots of cuddles. I was allowed to have him stay with me throughout the stay in the specially designed spring unit for bereaved parents. I could pick him up and cuddle him as much as I liked or keep him close by in his cuddle cot. These are special cots provided by the charity that allow parents to keep their precious little baby close by. This was so important for me that I was able to spend as much time with him as possible.

The Spring unit is made up of two bereavement suites, designed to feel as close to a home environment as they can be. You have a double bed, duvet and soft furnishings. All medical equipment is hidden behind wardrobe doors, so you feel more at home than in a clinical situation. There is also a separate entrance to the unit so you do not have to use the main hospital to visit or leave and where family and friends can come and go as they please without restriction. 

I spent 3 nights in the spring unit with my precious baby boy before I felt ready to come home. At no point was I made to feel I should leave - the support the team give is incredible; they want you to be able to bond with your baby and emotionally support you at such a devastating time. Everything was respectfully done on my terms and I never felt rushed or a nuisance. It really was a special time. 

Part of the support is with the chaplaincy at Poole hospital. Spring have a couple of chaplains who work with bereaved parents such as myself who can offer blessings and help with funeral arrangements. As most of you will know I do not have a faith so I wondered how I would benefit from this service but I wanted to recognise my Freddie’s birth and give him a blessing so we arranged for that to be done on the Monday after his birth. That day Fraser, the chaplain came to meet me and my family and we had a blessing for Freddie in my room. It was so moving and meaningful. Fraser understood that I am not religious and tailored it perfectly to me and Freddie. Now speaking of angels I had met another one.  Fraser just seems to be able to set the tone right and my word can he make me laugh. You can see the smile literally rise from his core and just radiate from his face and it’s so hard not to want to join in. Yes that’s right I’ve been able to laugh. He’s had me belly laughing far too much for someone who’s grieving. I’m not sure how he does it but he has a wonderful gift and I’m so grateful for the light relief that it has brought. 

When I was eventually ready to leave, another wonderful moment was suggested to me. The lovely bereavement midwife asked if I’d like to bring Freddie home. Who would think that was even possible?!  How wonderful that I could bring my baby to my home and spend some time with him in my own surroundings. It felt such the right thing to do and I’m so glad I had the opportunity to spend some time with him at home and not leave him at the hospital. I felt so content, peaceful and calm being able to have cuddles with him at home. The midwife came later on to collect him which was heartbreaking, but I knew she would care and look after him. 

The time in between saying goodbye to Freddie from my home and to the funeral I had lots of contact with the support team. I visited Fraser on a number of occasions to make funeral arrangements and I had frequent telephone calls and visits from the dedicated bereavement midwife and well as my community midwife. The care is second to none and still ongoing. 

Freddie’s funeral was lovingly organised between myself and Fraser and was beautifully and sensitively conducted. All I needed to do was talk about my wishes, everything else was handled by Fraser and the funeral home. I can’t thank Fraser enough for his kindness and help.

Ongoing, Spring provide solo counselling as well as support groups with other bereaved parents. It’s too early for me to make use of this right now as my grief is still raw but to know I have that support and to know that I’m not expected to deal with this alone is a massive comfort. 

If you’ve got this far well done - I can’t half waffle on 😉. I hope though that through my story I’ve been able to give the tiniest insight into how amazing Spring along with the Poole maternity team have been. At such an awful, tragic and devastating time they really go above and beyond to give a respectful and sensitive experience for parents and family and provide support into the future. I don’t think you can ever get over the loss of a much wanted child but to be treated with love and dignity is so important. 

If you would like to, then please give whatever you can to support this special charity so that they may continue to give bereaved parents the type of wonderful and caring experience I have received. No-one should have to go through this pain and especially without love and care. I have ideas for fundraising for Spring in the future but for now, if together we are able to give a massive thanks to them for all the help they have given me by reaching my target, I would be truly touched. Thank you and much love ❤️