For those that don’t know me – I am a cancer survivor.  Unfortunately, treatment and medication has left my body with all sorts of side effects. Arthritis, underactive thyroid and neuropathy in my feet which is very painful.  Despite this – I have set myself a huge challenge.  I plan to do two walks one in April and the other in June along with my good friend Lee Clark who is positive influence getting me moving again.  I must be mad!!!   All in aid of the charity Macmillan who supported me through my treatment.  I would love to raise as much as possible.

The picture I have shared is from during my treatment when I had no hair / no eyelashes / no eyebrows - but faked it.  I have never shown anyone this image of my baldy napper - but just wanted to show everyone that I am a true survivor and happy to have all my hair back.  Lol

1. Kiltwalk on 30^th April      15 miles from Clydebank to Dumbarton
2. Loch Lomond Mighty Hike – on 3^rd
   June    26 miles - starting in
   Stronachlachar on Loch Katrine, hike along the beautiful banks of Loch Arklet
   to join the West Highland Way along the eastern shore of stunning Loch Lomond
   to the welcome finish in Drymen.

I be very grateful for any contribution you could offer.

Wish me luck … I will need it.  Thank you for your support.

About Macmillan

At Macmillan, we know how a cancer diagnosis can affect everything. So we’re here to support you and help you take back some control in your life.
From help with money worries and advice about work, to someone who’ll listen if you just want to talk, we’re here.

No one should face cancer alone. So when you need someone to turn to, we’re here. Right from the moment you’re diagnosed, through your treatment and beyond, we’re a constant source of support, giving you the energy and inspiration to help you take back control of your life, and feel more like yourself again.

Macmillan’s research helps us, and others, understand the needs, numbers and experiences of people affected by cancer, to develop and influence better care and services.

We find out what matters to people affected by cancer, and fight for the best deal. We help shape policies and work with the government to improve lives.

Macmillan offers a range of free courses, workshops and e-learning for
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community members.

This is my story.

I was 43 when I was diagnosed I am 46

It was around April 2013.  I was standing naked in my bedroom straightening my hair.  I lifted my arms up and noticed something underneath my left breast.  I had a large chest – 38GG so didn’t see under there that much.  It looked like Cellulite so I said to myself that I really need to lose weight.  Although I didn’t think anything of it – I subconsciously must have, as I checked it a few times over the coming months and watched it change / spread.  It was now looking like a scar line.  I remember being at work and the ladies were talking boobs –I mentioned what I had and they said go see the nurse – she would tell you to go to doc to get checked if she thought needed to.  I couldn’t get the nurse, and the following week I decided to go to docs and have them look. 

I was referred straight away to clinic at the hospital.  I was never worried at this point and went to hospital, had a mammogram and an ultrasound and returned to consultant where he assured me everything was fine.  Come back in 3 months and we can have another check but I am sure it’s nothing.  

I got the appointment for 3 months – returned –same procedure of ultrasound and mammogram.  Again told – nothing to worry about – come back in 3 months time.  I was still not worried I just thought they were being thorough. 

 Returned 3 months later and went through the same, but by this time the puckering was more indented and it had spread to approx. 2 cm by this point.  I got the all clear again but the consultant decided that just for his peace of mind and mine that I would go for an MRI.  

Got the appointment within days and the following week I was off to Stobhill hospital for MRI.  That was an ordeal.  I was too large for the size of the MRI machine and with my dignity stripped as you will know lying face down with boobs akimbo -  I was also squashed into the machine like sausage meat into a skin!!  There was a few false starts as I struggled to be in there so cramped that the panic button was pressed a few times and there were tears!!  I just had to grin and bear it for an hour. The appointment to see consultant was approx. 10 days
later. 21st November. Mum came with me – not because of anything other than we were going shopping after.  The nurse shouted me through.  Mum stayed in waiting room – nurse made no indication for mum to come.  When I got into the consultants room – there was a nurse and another lady (who I later found out breast care nurse).  I kinda got a sinking feeling wondering why are they here?  It was then that he said – we found something.  I was still thinking like it was nothing – so when he actually said the C word – the tears welled up immediately.  I couldn’t believe that I was being told and my mum was in waiting room.  Next 5 or 10 minutes are a blurr.  I remember being told I would need to go for a biopsy so was sent back out to waiting room.  Mum got up as if to leave thinking I was finished.  It was a packed waiting room – I said to her sit down I’m not finished.  She knew something wrong, she asked what is it?  The tears came again and I just about got the C word out.  Mum did the same as me. …  then it was like being in a regiment.  I was being sent for a biopsy.  Funny thing is it was at that exact point that I did what I was told … I went where I was told … do this … do that etc etc …  you let yourself be led and I was happy to follow. 

I remember going for the biopsy – now that they knew there was something they had to use the ultrasound to guide the big needle.  I am so glad needles don’t scare me and that they numb you beforehand!!  They showed me my cancer on the ultrasound – it didn’t look like anything other than a grainy black and white photo.  Appointment
scheduled for biopsy results and then we left – in shock to be honest. 
When we got back to mums, her neighbour had been watching out for us as we were all going shopping.  I just remember mum shaking her head to her through the window and we went inside and told dad.  Mums friend appeared and we told her too.  There was lots of tears.  then we had to think about telling everyone in the family.  more shock, more tears....

Sadly I don’t have any children.  I tried for  few years with my then husband (some 9/10 years ago).  We were on IVF waiting list – we got to top of list just after we split up!!  When I was diagnosed children and fertility was never discussed other than being told I would definitely not be having any children now!  I knew at my age chances were very slim but you are always hopeful.  I think I was really upset by that – it was totally dismissed and I regret now not asking about freezing eggs etc …  I would have loved to be a mum and that hurts more than anything.  That is the one thing in my life that makes me really sad.

I do volunteering and was scheduled to be at Badminton Open championships at the Emirates Arena in Glasgow the day I got the news I had cancer.  I had made a new friend a few months previous at another event and we were doing this one together.  She called me in the car to find out how I had got on - all I could say was that it was bad news and that I would see her shortly.  My mum questioned  ‘you’re not going to go to the event are you – not now’…. I said I was and it was the best thing for me to keep my mind off things.  I had taken a couple of days off to do the badminton.  I of course wanted to go.  I spoke to my friend when I got there and told her the news (she was and is the best friend i could have asked for - listening when i needed to offload - pushing me when i needed a shove - but mostly kept me laughing)– then we just moved on swept it under the carpet and got on with the job in hand.    I knew plenty of time to talk about it and to deal with the emotions.  Thru the next week doing this event was a great tonic.  We had such good fun and were always laughing.  Nobody knew except my friend – oh and every mum’s friends / family members etc as she phoned them and told everyone.  I think it was her way of accepting it and dealing with things – admitting that this was happening.

After the badminton event returned to work as normal and everything was just the way it was before diagnosis.  I had just changed contracts and had only been in this job a matter of weeks so again I told nobody.  You feel well – there are no symptoms but I was holding it all in at this point.  I really didn’t want to be at work – I just wanted to surround myself with people who loved and cared about me.  I had no friends where I was working so that didn’t help either.  Around the same time I had a conversation with my parents – they persuaded me just to hand in my notice.  I had been scheduled for Op – was initially told it should be before Christmas then January but it turned out didn’t go in until February 10th – so was a loooooong time waiting for treatment to start.  I wanted to hurry it along – I had an image in my head of this cancer spreading.  Mum and Dad discussed finances (something that you shouldn’t have to do or worry about under the circumstances).  I had a mortgage – how would I pay it.  I had a phone / sky / mobile / car insurance / house insurance / gas / electric / council tax all wanting to be paid!!  How was I going to manage and on top of coping with the psychological effect Cancer was having on me.  It was decided … I would move in with mum and dad.  I would disconnect my phone / sky / electricity / gas.  I would pack up and leave the flat.  I remember thinking that day when I left the flat ‘I wonder if I will live / die … I wonder if I will ever be back here’.  That was the first time I thought – albeit not that realistic at this stage – but oh my god I might die!

Christmas that year wasn’t a happy one. Mum / Dad and I had a quiet one.  It was just brilliant though.  We didn’t have to get dressed up.  Dad did the cooking.  We ate lovely food, watched TV and had a normal day – it was bliss.  

We limped on through the new year and counted down the days until Op day.  The night before my Op – I didn’t sleep a wink.  I was thinking all the negative things you shouldn’t when starting on your road to recovery – because that’s what the Op was – first step in my
treatment and recovering from this awful disease.  We had to be there at 7am.  Mum came with me.  I remember when we were walking out the front door she turned to me with tears in her eyes – just think the next time you walk back through this door the cancer will be gone.  It was true – or so we thought!

 Arrived at hospital on day of Op at 7am. Directed upstairs to ward.  Lots of taking bloods / blood pressure etc.  I was told that I would need to go downstairs for a procedure before Op.  They were going to put in wires to mark out the outline of the Cancer inside my breast.  They used the ultrasound to guide them.  I remember trying to be a little light hearted and making jokes about the wires hanging out my boob. It was a strange site.  Again no discomfort as had been numbed beforehand.  Back up to the ward – Mum was still waiting with me.  I remember watching the TV – Zara Phillips had her baby … it was the news that was on.  Back into the room – I had to have radioactive dye injected into my boob.  What the heck – the chap arrived with the yellow box with the cross and skulls and he was masked / gloved and overalls – and here was me sat with my gown on rolled down to waist.  Time went so slowly but just after lunchtime it was my turn to go down to theatre.  I got into the trolley and got tucked in.  Only at this point did I actually get scared.  Said my cheerios to mum and I was wheeled away.  I didn’t like the feeling of being wheeled while lying down, so shut my eyes.  I remember the smell going into theatre.  The flurry of people around the bed – connecting this – doing that and before I knew it – I was wheeled back into a ward just after dinnertime.  I do remember feeling as high as a kite.  I could feel some pain and was given a button to press for relief.  I was taken upstairs to ward, It was visiting time, so my parents and brother were there to see me getting back from recovery ward.  I don’t remember much … I was too woosy.  I do remember being as sick as a dog later that night tho.  Lol 

 I spent 5 days in hospital.  I had been moved to private room so I was quite happy.  I was sore – but I was fine.  I recovered at home for next couple of weeks and went to see consultant for next stage of treatment.  There had always been discussion maybe chemo / maybe not so I was keeping everything crossed for ‘not’!!! My hopes were completely dashed and was given news I wasn’t expecting again.  This time mum was there.  The cancer has spread into your lymph nodes – you will need to have another op!  So it was back into hospital for second operation to remove a large piece of flesh under my arm /armpit that contained some 20 lymph nodes?!?  Similar to first op,although changed anaesthetic because I got sick last time.  When I woke up this time, my cannula was in a strange place on the palm of my hand. 

There were marks all up my hand and arms.  I was told my veins shut down through surgery and they kept having to move it – oh joy!  I was in for nearly 2 weeks this time as my drains were still draining.  It took a longtime to recover from 2 ops so close together in same region of body.  Weekly checks on wounds etc ...

 I recovered over the next few weeks and went to various appointments.  It was confirmed that the course of treatment would be chemotherapy and radiotherapy and tamoxifen for 10 years.  I was devastated … hemotherapy makes your hair fall out and make you sick.  I wasn’t sick – I never had any symptoms but the irony of the treatment is that it will make you ill …. And it certainly did that. 

It was decided that I should have a pic line put in – mostly because of the veins shutting down as mentioned already. That was an ordeal.  Went to Gartnavel Hospital … the procedure was pretty harmless – it was very strange watching them put this thing in my arm. Then down to xray to check it wasn’t too close to my heart – it was – so back
upstairs – dressings all off for them to pull it back – back down to x ray to check in right place.  The pick line brought about many problems.
 Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t.  The district nurses came
out weekly to draw from it and change dressing.  As weeks went on – I was convinced I could feel the line.  Turned out I could – it was dangerously close to my heart – so I had to get it adjusted again.  When there was problems with it – I had to go to hospital to get it adjusted so that it would work. It was a nightmare.  Luckily there was only one time through chemotherapy that they couldn’t get it to work.  Tried everything.  After trying for over an hour – I sneezed – they tried again and lo and behold it worked!!

 The first day of chemo …. Walking along that corridor it was like corridor of doom.  I knew what was behind the double doors at the end.  I stopped and said to mum – I can’t do it.  I was scared. Mum told me not to be daft.  I continued through the doors and I knew there was no going back. For anyone who knows chemotherapy is a cocktail of drugs designed especially for you.  Some are in drips / some are in syringes that the nurses sit and feed thorough cannula slowly.  You are hooked up to saline and anti sickness.  There were 8 syringes of bright pink stuff … another 12 other syringes with the cancer busting ingredients.  So you sit there for about 3 or 4 hours hooked up … being fed poison.  The first thing you need to do when you are finished ispee.  Well nobody warns you – it looks like your insides have fallen out –it is bright pink / red!!!

 I remember going out for dinner with my mum and dad that night – this was always the best day to eat I found out as treatment progressed.  We went to an Italian and had a lovely meal.  I woke up the next morning – I felt not too bad – nauseas and just a little weird. Day 2 I felt pretty rough and my temperature was high along with really bad stomach … had to call NHS24 – straight to hospital.  I remained there fora week.  By time I got out of hospital about week 2 my hair started falling out,  I had lost a lot of hair – I asked mum to cut my hair into something shorter so that it stopped leaving a trail of blonde around the house.  Mum isn’t a hairdresser but she cut it and I styled it – it didn’t look too bad.  I can provide pics!!  It continued to fall out and pretty much all out by the third week.  I took the decision to shave it then.  I sat in chair in mum’s living room – mum had clippers in hand and she shaved it.  It was really upsetting but I didn’t cry and tried to make fun of situation.  It was only later in conversation that mum told me it was breaking her heart at that time.  By the time I went to next chemo –Brandy – my wig was firmly in place.

 You slog on through the weeks and months of chemotherapy.  I ended up in hospital a few times, once by ambulance as I was neutropenic. That was a 2 week stay and the usual problems with the pic line.  By this time I was completely bald and NOBODY had seen me like his apart from my mum and dad.  As soon as I could – mum was ordered to collect Brandy – and I said no visitors until this point.  I had also lost my eyebrows and eyelashes and as a lady who puts make up on every day there was no reason not to now.  All through my treatment – I pencilled in brows,put on my fake lashes and brandy and nobody was any the wiser. 

Chemo is horrible.  You feel so weak and nauseous.  That feeling remained throughout but about a week before nextlot of treatment, you slowly start to feel a little better and less sick. On the third week the nurses would take my blood sample and the day before treatment you have to go to clinic to see consultant – go over bloods etc and they would say if you were well enough to receive treatment. Hours were spent at hospital on a Tuesday morning.  Also complications with pic line – back and forth to xray – and also out to the Beatson to make sure hadn’t come out of position.  My chemo was scheduled for Wednesday afternoons.  It was lovely on the ward – the nurses were great.  Usually there for a good 3 hours and home. And repeat.

 Finally you finish chemo.  After all the dramas – hospital stays – sickness – hair falling out (everywhere!!!) you have got through it.  Hurrah.  Next step Radiotherapy.  

I had signed up to be a volunteer at the Commonwealth Games 2014.  This is what had kept me focused throughout treatment.  I was due to finish my treatment in June and I was due to start at Games middle of July.  I thought I had given myself plenty time to recover.  But with all the hospital stays and delays in treatment – my last one was on the day I was due to start at the games.  I had to contact them, explained and was allowed to push back a week.  They were great.  I wasn’t so great – only having a week out of chemo I went to the games.  I had an absolutely brilliant time.  I struggled – my ankles and legs swelled up almost like elephant man.  My feet bursting out of trainers.  I took couple of days off, put my feet up to try and get swelling down.  The heatwave didn’t help!!  I managed to complete my games experience, it was amazing and I am so glad I was part of it.  I had to go to hospital to get legs checked, given water tablets to try and help.  I ended up back in hospital a few days later.  Recovered justin time to start next round of appointments.  I had a 4 week gap from finishing chemo to radiotherapy starting and I managed to squeeze in the games and a hospital stay in that time! Lol.  During this time I also started taking tamoxifen.

There are several appts initially to get alignment correct – you get the dots tattooed on.  Radiotherapy then begins.  My allotted time slot for the next 6 weeks was 1.52pm. Neither morning or afternoon so pretty much consumed the day even though treatment only took 10 mins.  Sometimes the waiting was long – others in and out which was great.  I did end up in hospital twice this time with infection in my breast.  I also by the end was terribly burnt and had to get area attended to by the nurses – but I also got through all of that too!!! 

So I was free of hospitals for a while, the pic line was taken out and it was time to recover.  Tamoxifen was starting to take it’s effect and I had terrible flashes / sweats / aches and pains. It was discovered around this time that the pain in feet was actually nerve damage from chemo and would be permanent.  In relation to recovery – I am still to this day recovering.  Now with an underactive thyroid, arthritis and a weight gain, sweating and flashes. My body temperature cannot regulate for some reason so the sweat pours off me!

So in between treatments and ops when i was well I had all  this time on my hands – but taking it easy.  So I concentrated on my volunteering.  I did loads of different roles at various events – picking and choosing and ensuring scheduled rest days.  I had so many opportunities and fantastic time at some of these events including going to the Davis Cup in Glasgow twice and also out to Belgium for the finals as part of the barmy army.  I also was part of a volunteer cast on stage with Take That for 5 nights at the Hydro. I volunteered at The Beatson itself one day a week working in the Hub atin the John Wheelan building.  I also did some driving for another local charity which transported the elderly to and from hospital and drs appointments.  I did some other roles for other charities and also for other sporting events just fitting it round appointments and when I felt well enough.  I had to make sure to schedule rest days as it completely took the wind out my sails - but I loved it.

My final operation came in February 2015 pretty much a year since my first one.  This one was less daunting and I knew what to expect this time.  Everything went smoothly and I didn't really have many issues following this op.  Just some recovery time and then I had to start thinking about working again. I managed to find a job and started working again in June 2015.

I hate how my body looks.  I have gained a lot of weight and with the thyroid trouble finding it hard to lose it.  Myboobs are covered in scars and I have no colour in my nipple on one side. They are two different shapes – they each go off in their own direction. I have been single a long long time – 7 years – and can’t see me being with anyone now – I am too fat!  My skin is dry and spotty – another side effect of various drugs.  I have nerve damage in my feet – which prevents me doing some stuff – but slowly I am spending more time on my feet and paying the consequences later.  I do have drugs to manage pain, but it never goes away – constant.  I am quite happy on my own (most of the time) and keep myself relatively busy but I am so tired all the time.  I do have to make sure i have 'nothing' days every now and again to re-charge. 

I stopped working for 18 months while undergoing treatment – and returned to work nearly 18 months ago now.  Wow where did that time go?  I had been on contract when diagnosed so I had no job while I was ill which was a struggle in itself – if you have a mortgage you don’t get much help!!  I had to pack up the flat and disconnect everything and move in with my parents to save money to ensure I had enough to pay mortgage and insurance.  I just about scraped by.  Returning to work FT straight away was a real slog.  I was and still am so tired.  My memory is terrible and I forget things –much to the annoyance of my boss – I’m not sure how I still have a job. I would rather have not had cancer but I am glad of the opportunities that were presented to me when I wasn't working - so I suppose every cloud has a silver lining.

I am very thankful that I am still here to tell the tale and try to be a
better person for the experience. Cancer changed me … outside and in.  Sometimes I actually wonder … did that really happen to me?  It all becomes a distant memory but it is also always on your mind!!