Thanks for taking the time to visit my JustGiving page.

Please support me to raise money and awareness of SANDS, as without their support I don't think I would be here today. 

My son, James was born at 34 weeks (5lb 7oz) in 1998 and initially appeared healthy. I had a quick glimpse of him before I was taken to theatre as I had a retained placenta. When I was coming around from my general anaesthetic, I was alone and sensed panic in the nursing staff. I was informed James had taken a turn for the worst and was in intensive care as he needed help to breathe. None of this made sense to me. During pregnancy my only thoughts were about a future with a thriving child, now my dreams were being shattered. The rest is all a blurr, I was not really present, I did not want to experience what happened next. I was given the chance to hold James while he was connected to loads of machines, I did......but I was just so numb!                         We kept asking why?      No answers, no one could tell us why we were in this situation. Sadly, not long after this and before any family members could meet him, James arrested and the consultant explained there was nothing else they could do............ 14 hours after birth there was death!!!!!! 

How and why?

My whole outlook on life changed on this day!

In the early days, when my whole world had caved in and I thought I was alone in my grief, I was contacted by Jan, from a local SANDS group. Dazed and very emotional I plucked up the courage to meet others in a sadly, similar situation. The support from this group and special individuals was my personal lifeline and always will be. Thanks SANDS.

I met a very special friend, Nikki, who sadly had lost her son, Cane to a stillbirth the day before, James died. Nikki and I have remained close friends and are doing this challenge in memory of our boys and SANDS. No doubt we will be supporting each other through this long night trek, as we always have over the last 25 years during the rollercoaster of grief we have both experienced.

On the Sands Snowdon by Night Hike we will be

- Trekking for approx 8 hours continuously 

- Covering 21km of undulating terrain, with the added challenge of walking through the night

- Ascending a total of approx 975m in a single  night

- Trekking as part of a team, supporting each and every team member to get through the challenge.

Writing this has been a challenge and for the first time, yes trust me, the first time that I have been able to open James’s box and read every card and note we received in those early days.......... I have never been able to read them. So I want to say a heartfelt thank you to everyone that supported Stuart and I and apologies for not saying so before.

 I also reminded myself of the reading I did at James's funeral. One line went ' we hope the pain will get easier and we can move on.' All I can say about that is, the pain is as raw as ever (when it is let out), but we went on to have two wonderful healthy girls, Eleanor and Megan, who we will be forever grateful for.

I wanted to share one more thing that I wrote and read at the funeral.......

No one sees the broken heart that lies behind the smile

No one knows the loneliness that is with me all the while

Silent tears gently fall that others do not see

For I  have lost my precious son who meant the world to me

I died with you james.................

Now, 25 years on, I still grieve for the death of my first born, James and SANDS support is still there if I want it. This is why I want to raise as much money as possible to enable every parent to have the opportunity to access support during their grief. Please help me in this quest......

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