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07.45am - Saturday 20th July 2019 - My phone is ringing and wakes me up. It's my ex-wife, who hardly ever calls me. Thinking that my son has maybe had a car accident or come home way too drunk and caused some kind of problem/ended up in hospital, she then tells me that my daughter has just found her brother in the garage. He's taken his own life. I think I scream 'No' down the phone many times and I start sobbing. From there it's dealing with the reality of what's just happened and I get  dressed and drive to their house as safely as I can. 

My heart feels like it's just been ripped from my chest.

It's by far the worst phone call I've ever had. I don't ever want a call like that again. And I would rather no other parent, guardian, friend or partner gets one either. But we know that's a big ask.

Hayden was a happy, go-lucky 19 year old who had just started a great new career as a trainee Quantity Surveyor. He had his future worked out and seemed to be maturing and finding his way in life after a few years of working various jobs and finishing 6th form college. He also loved football, cycling, tennis and most sports really. A Man United fan pretty much from birth and just loved to play with his mates and teams as often as possible. A great cross-er of the ball and also prolific goalscorer despite often playing on the wings. He was smart, funny, cheeky, good looking and always fun to be around and hang out with. He loved being with his mates and getting out for a few beers and loved being with family, especially if there was good food involved! 

Hayden had his ups and downs just like any other teenager, growing up and figuring out what he wanted to do in life. H had no history of depression. No previous threats or attempts. He had so much to live for and yet, after returning home from a few beers and watching football with friends, something changed. He chose to take his own life. No warnings, no attempt to wake and speak to his mum or sister who were asleep in the house. Not even a call to me for help. Hayden knew I'd lost friends to suicide before. And he'd also known of lads of similar age to him locally who had too. How could he do this? Why?

We might never know why Hayden chose to take his life. But I would like to help prevent it happening to others. I've have been raising money with CALM in memory of pro-snowboarder Nelson Pratt through the Tour de Test Valley/Ride On Nelly event for the last 7 years. 

On Saturday 15th September, I'll again be joining friends of Nelson and hundreds of keen cyclists to ride the 100 mile Full Monty route as always, then on Sunday 16th heading to Cricket St. Thomas to race Cyclocross in the South West Cyclocross League. It's always an emotional weekend and this year will be even more so, as I will now #ride4hayden at all my cycle events.

I would like to raise as much as possible for CALM in Hayden's memory. I will be extremely grateful for anything you can give.

Thank you,

Martin Smith [Hayden's  dad]

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