I've tried to write this a few times, it seems i am still not ready to talk about this in depth, I am actually traumatized by what has just and is still happening in our lives. So why do it? Simple, there are MANY superheros in my story, and so many people for me to thank, that it blows my mind, and not knowing where to start. So i thought lets just start at the beginning, with the people who have saved my life, at least.....for now.

i was enjoying the hot summer of 2018, along with my long awaited twin 2 years old twin sons, when i started to feel not so well. Several trips to the doctors later and an x ray early September, showed a mass on my right Lung which after a few weeks of horrible invasive tests showed to be Non Small Cell Lung Cancer (NSCLC) stage 3A, inoperable. The biopsy showed Adenocarcenoma at the time. We were made aware right from the start that even though they were taking a "curative" approach to my treatment, that even if they did get all my tumor out, this disease has a high return rate, and a low survival rate. Around 10% survival rate at 5 years for a stage 3A.

The Standard Care/treatment for an inoperable tumor like this would be 7 weeks of Chemoradiation. Daily radiotherapy treatments at the Christie with 12 chemo on top. 6 chemo every day at the start, and 6 again on week 5. 33 radiation in total. Combining Chemotherapy and Radiotherapy together multiplies the effects of each treatment, but also multiplies the side effects. A treatment plan so brutal they inform you that this alone is life threatening and give you a hotline 24/7 number to send you at ambulance at the drop of a hat. This would hopefully blast my Adenocarcinoma to nothing, but it would still have a 75% return rate.

All i felt was despair and disbelief, i thought about running away so the boys didn't have to watch their mama disintegrate, i even considered taking my own life, after all my boys were 2.5 years, they wouldn't remember me if i just went away and ended it now. But i wanted to see them grow up, i had waited so long for them, this all seemed just so cruel, especially after waiting years for these beautiful IVF babies. I needed to talk more to the doctors, i needed to find a little hope. I had family photos taken by a friend just in case i didn't make it, as i wanted the boys and Chris to remember me how i was.(thanks Debbie)

There is nothing more heartbreaking than watching your children play with their daddy, realizing that the odds are that IS the way it will probably be. A future picture without you in It.

Then i met Dr E. This Amazing doctor gave me some hope. He came up with a plan to buy me an Extra 25% survival rate. He told me it would be tough going, he told me "this is not offered to many patients at all", we found out later, what he actually meant was, "we've not done this before, you are the first".He had to convince other doctors to do it, My favorite Macmillan Nurse told me, he had to fight quite hard to convince them i was strong enough to pull this off.

You see, Patients that have Lung tumors surgically removed have a 50% re-occourance rate of cancer, compared to those doing chemoradiation have 75%.

He said, on you, we are going to do both, and fast. You will have your chemoradiation as planned, and 6 days post completion of that we will scan you, and if the margins improve, we will operate right away. This will buy you a much better chance at a future.

This amazing, patient, empathetic Doctor, talked to us for at least 2 hours, answering all my questions, he convinced me i could do this. i could beat this, there was a chance i could see my children grow up. It would be hell and back, but it was do-able with a little luck and a lot of strength. I told him i was strong, and wouldn't let him down as he had fought for me. I started to feel hopeful again. and i started to get my fight face on,

But whilst all this talking was going on, we were in a tiny room, with a macmillan nurse, us and our 2 year old twins causing chaos, people finding them old phones to play with, other nursers or daddy taking them out trying to distract them. "We need a family room" my favorite nurse said. And that day, i swore if i survived, i'd help them with that......later. Right now i had a battle to fight!

Meet zurg, my big bad ass tumor, whos' Butt we were about to kick!

i chopped off my own hair, got my battle face on, and decided to turn these 10% survival odds into 50%. With a mass organisation of twins/dogs and daily lifts to and from the Christie, my Treatment began on October 8th. In the background i had a group of amazing friends and family, pulling all kinds of heroics to help my little family get through. All whilst keeping things as private as possible. Because that was the only way i could cope.

Above, page 1 of my treatment plan.

They told be id probably be hospitalized several times during chemoradiation, but i wasn't, i made it home to kiss my boys goodnight, every night, even on the days that, that was all i could do. On the first day of treatment my lung collapsed, By the third week i could barely swallow from radiation burns to my esophagus, my hair had gone, and i no longer recognized myself in the mirror , i can't explain what it is like go back and forth Every single day for treatments up to 14 hours a day, knowing that they are going to make you feel even wors Having e than you already feel. imagine Your head pinned to a table for over half an hour for radiotherapy, just after 8 hours of chemo, feeling sick, and too weak to climb up on the table without help. To keep telling yourself you have to keep going, however shit you feel. And it goes on and on, day after day after day like some kind of torturous ground hog day.

By the end of week 5 it was taking the nurses 5/6 attempts to find anywhere to get my chemo IV in as my veins had shut down, and By the end of week 6 i could barely speak or walk, food was liquids only and not before numbing agents helping me swallow. But i walked in there and out of there every day on my own 2 feet, however long it took, as stubborn as a mule, refusing to be broken. Fried 33 times by radiation, skin burnt, and poisoned within an inch of my life, i missed precious weeks with my children, not knowing if this was even working, No one has ever wanted to ring an end of treatment bell more! and i did, i rang the crap out of it.

below, just about feeling at my worst.

6 days later, my scan showed that zurg was now operable. 1 Deacon Blue concert, an early "just in case" Christmas and 10 days later i had surgery to remove my tumor and half of my right lung. They told us a lot of things like i'd be in hospital 10-12 days with 2-3 days in the intensive care unit, But once i heard the doctor say "they got it all" from my ICU bed that Monday night (dec 10TH) i knew i just wanted to get home(i hate hospitals). i was out of the ICU the next morning, Wednesday i walked to loo Thursday the other side of the hospital Friday i did some stairs and went home, just 4 days post op.

With Dr E, 3 days post Op after having half my lung removed, and i walked carrying my chest tube bag across the hospital to day hi and thanks.

I swear that is swelling i am not that fat! Proud of My shark bite, It may have saved my life. The marks on my skin are it healing from radiation burns

Christmas came and went, then we had to go back for review. Zurg had gone,. however his pathology, showed not an Adenocarcinoma, but a rare Carcinocarcoma. I won't go into the science, too much but its like a hybrid, half adenocarcinoma half sarcoma, and the sarcoma parts are chemo and radiotherapy resistant. meaning that if Dr E, had not fought for my surgery i would not be sat here with currently NO Evidence of disease. The Sarcoma part of my tumor would not have gone with Chemoradiation alone. I owe him the life i have at THIS moment. We always still have to remember that this still has a 50% mortality rate at 5 years. I may have won the battle, the War is still on, but thanks to him, i have a chance to see my boys grow up.

However after this news, for the first time, mentally i started to fall apart, struggling to find a way forward. The combination of finally everything physical treatment wise stopping, i started to realise what had just happened, coupled with the fact i had a tumor so rare. that we, nor anyone else can find another living person with it in the UK,USA,OR Canada. i just fell into a dark hole.

You see I had been finding comfort in finding other people still alive after years of what i had, at the stage i had it, until i didn't have that anymore. That was no longer my diagnosis and my blanket of comfort was taken away. Suddenly i was stood standing all alone with something so so rare, no one else has it, thinking i'm doomed again, and we and lots of medical people looking for me,to give me hope, but with no joy. There are barely any statistics or studies on it. I totally freaked out, for a very long time, i was in that dark hole, and part of me is still in there,

no-one can give me better odds, there is no fighting i can do now, it is down to luck whether it returns, and i'm living with a 50/50 chance of seeing my boys grow up, it's all consuming sometimes. It's like living with a loaded gun pointing at your head 24/7, no respite, no breaks, and you can't forget, even for a moment, because your body hurts, you are struggling to breathe, or coughing from radiation damage acts as a constant reminder. Your body will not, even for a second let you forget there is a half chance you won't be here in a few years. I wont even make plans beyond my next scan, i'm scared of tempting fate.

So i needed a thing, something to motivate me, to haul my painful, now getting much larger butt out of bed each morning, and get me moving. A focus. I noticed on the board in the clinic a poster for "5k your way" cancer patients walk every last Saturday of the month. It was February, and i was learning to live with half a lung missing, i could only walk to the kitchen and back and every inch of my body still hurt.and if i left the house i was mainly in a wheelchair.

But i decided, i am doing this, and i will get there by the end of May, and i will get sponsors for the clinic, and raise money for that family room they need, We needed , at such a horrific time, that no-one should have to go through, especially having to also manage young kids. I'm no doctor, i can't help that way, but i CAN do this.

Since then i have Forced myself up, first walking 2 houses away, then around the corner, then a bit further, and a bit further. Occasionally needing Chris to come and get me because i Walked a little too far and ran out of breath.

From end of February i have gone from wheelchair to 4k in 2 months. I cannot yet walk the 5k in one go, i have done 6k taking 2 long breaks, It hurts, to get up and walk, it hurts, and its exhausting, and i have days i can barely get up at all (that is down to chemoradiation),and i wheeze and cough, and sound awful, but i AM going to get to 5K by the end of May . (yes i know it is in less than 3 weeks!)

Considering they are normally counting in a few hundred steps at this point post my treatment, or at least similar to my treatment as remember, they hadn't done this chemoradiation and surgery together before, the fact we are counting in Kilometers is a miracle in itself.

And however Long it Takes i WILL FINISH, and however little money i raise, i WILL l start a fund for That family room, For the people who have fought to buy me time with my family, and half a chance of a life with them in the future. 50% still sucks, lets not sugar coat that, but it's better than where we started. The thought that there is a 50% chance i wont see my boys grow up, still destroys me daily.

i know i have no right to ask for anymore help/money off any of you, But If i can do this, if i can still be here after all that, and still be smiling, if i can learn to live with the long term effects and consequences of the treatments/surgery i have had. Learn to find a new normal in how i am now, not what i was like before. Learn to live each day to the fullest with both the hope that i will see my boys grow up, but also with the fear there is a 50% chance that gun will go off in the back of my head. If i can drag my painful self around a 5k course, then you lot, my lovely friends , can chuck me a few quid each for my efforts (cheeky pretty please) just a couple of quid each would raise hundreds of pounds.

thanks Nikki x Jake, Joe, Maggie, Ruby and of Course Chris.

please note i will be Walking the “5K your Way” on May 25th, at Carrs Park, Wilmslow Cheshire, SK9 4AA The walk is at 9am, it will take me about an hour and a half i think at least, feel free to come walk with me or cheer me and all the other cancer patients on.