Paula's story

When I started at Venture Scotland (VS), my life was a bit like a roller coaster with its ups and downs, but as someone who loves them, this is one I wanted to end. My mental health and coping skills were not very good and although I had recently got my flat after being homeless and was managing to hold down a job, I was struggling to take things any more than one day at a time. I had been in hospital from failed suicide attempts and was very isolated, only leaving the house when I really needed to.

The special thing about these guys, was that they agreed to support me and offer me a place on a course despite me not being their usual referral - having a job and being an honours graduate. To a lot of places, they'll take this as you being able to achieve something, so how could you be needing support, whereas VS take each person for who they are at that time regardless of what they might have done or experienced in the past. For me at that moment in time, I was surviving instead of living.

I was excited about getting active again and doing something, but at the same time, I was very nervous about meeting new people and having to commit to something long term. VS gave me a safe space to come to terms with my life and current situation, a space to accept and learn about my problems and feelings and the team helped me to look at my life and challenge or change some of my choices, to more positive and helpful ones.

I remember at one point, I was really struggling with my self-harm and had woken up in the middle of the night dissociating with urges to self-harm, I somehow managed to zone into the bothy fire and wait until morning before having a big chat with one of the staff I trust. As we sat away from the group, both crying and looking out into the hills, what he said to me was really hard to take and still gives me that lump-in-my-throat-feeling. He told me that he was worried that in a short time, he would be attending my funeral, rather than my awards night, he talked to me and reminded me why I was here and what I had to bring to the group. He helped me realise, that even though my head was filled with negative thoughts and feelings, someone cared. If someone else could care about me, then I needed to learn to care for myself as much as I did for other people.

As someone who very much feels like they have to do everything for themselves - some people call this stubborn - I have learned to let people in and accept help. I have met and learned to work with people who have all different difficulties and struggles and developed my skills for being able to support and be supported as part of a team. I've learned how to see things from a different light and perspective to help break the cycle of negativity and feeling like the world is against me.