For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt as though I am drowning.

There’s always been this constant feeling in the pit of my
stomach that something is wrong. When I was younger, I thought it was just normal, that everyone felt it. But as I’ve got older, it became clear that I shouldn’t feel like this and it was in fact mad anxiety. Since I’d dealt with this for so long, I like to think that I had been able to keep it to myself, not really displaying any signs to the outside world.

Over the last two years though, it has got pretty bad. The suicide
of a mate at uni triggered something within me that really made me lose control of myself. It’s weird and hard to explain but I felt like I was in a dream, watching myself from a distance. And as with a lot of people, this anxiety becomes depression.

One night in December 2016, I was sat in my bed at uni. It
was about 3am on a bitterly cold evening. As per usual, my heart was racing, my body was pumped full of adrenaline because of the anxiety and I was unable to sleep. I can vividly remember that I was suddenly overcome with a thought. An overwhelming, exciting thought. That I could get rid of this feeling, this pain.My brain just whispered to me “End it”.  I remember planning every little detail of how I could end my own life. How all this pain would just go away.

Now, I hope nobody reading this has been in this position, but this is pretty much as bad as it gets. Luckily for me, I hadn’t lost all my senses and I managed to talk myself out of it, otherwise I doubt I’d be here today.

This was a turning point for me. This wasn’t a life. For the first time, I let people in to my struggle (which was the best decision I ever
made). After this, I went to see medical professionals (who really know their stuff) and I got the right kinda help.

Even now, 2 years later, there are still good days and bad days but there isn’t a constant shadow over my life.

So if you are reading this and any of this is relatable then
here’s my advice;

• Speak to somebody (friends, family, colleague etc) – Everyone really does care
• Go to the doctors – These guys are the professionals, they’ll get you the help you need.
• Surround yourself with people who make you happy
  – I have the best and most supportive group of friends I could ever wish for.
• Quit caffeine – This made a huge difference to me.
• Try and be as self-aware as possible – Find out your triggers.
• Don’t worry what other people think – Lots of people
  don’t understand.
• And most of all ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE SELFISH – You don’t have to have the weight of the world on your shoulders, take some time to do you.

Suicide is the leading cause of deaths in people under 35 and that is the reason I’m raising money for PAPYRUS. I’ve seen the consequences
of a young person committing suicide plus I’ve been very close myself and I would hate anyone to feel they don’t have a place to turn to.

If you are thinking about taking your own life, then call PAYPRUS’ Hopeline on; 0800 068 41 41

Finally, please look after yourself and those around you. Asking
a mate a slightly awkward question about how they feel is far easier than having to bury them.

Peace and love x