PCOS is the absence of a diagnosis. If you have certain symptoms, and they can’t be diagnosed as anything else, then you have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome – even if you don’t have cysts on your ovaries! 

From the age of 14, when I was finally diagnosed, I had to come to terms with the fact that no one knows why I have this illness, where it came from, or even how it will specifically affect me, as it affects all women differently. I also had to realize that if I want information, I have to find it myself. Through that research I found out that no one even REALLY knows how to treat PCOS. There are medications that the medical community thinks work –or at the very least, work well enough. Finally, I had to realize that I am a PCOS guinea pig. It took years for me to find the right combination of medications that help my body stabilize my hormones. There was one drug – Dexamethasone– that made me feel famished and exhausted. I was in 11 grade while I was on this drug, and one day when I was walking up a staircase at school, I practically collapsed. I couldn’t move. I was so tired that I lay on the steps in the middle of the school for a solid 10 minutes, until I was able to painfully get myself upright and moving.  During my most recent research, I found out that doctors now know Dexamethasone has no place in PCOS treatment, and should especially not be given to children. I definitely wonder what I will eventually find out about the medication I am currently on – medication that has stabilized my hormones, but that causes unending gastrointestinal and digestive issues.One of them also causes incredible thirst, and I can not go anywhere without my water bottle.

PCOS enrages me. Sure, I hate having an illness and everything that comes along with it – medication, endless doctor visits and blood work, being asked the same questions over and over without ever receiving any information. Mostly, I hate my anger. This illness is so widely under-acknowledged.It affects an estimated 10% of all women, but that number is completely skewed due to the fact that there is simply no awareness about it. Most women get diagnosed as adults, when they are at an infertility clinic wondering why they can not have children.

The visible symptoms of PCOS are ALL things that women are taught to hate, to hide, and from which to feel shame,embarrassment, and mortification: obesity, acne, male-patterned baldness,issues with periods and fertility…and Hirsutism – “excessive facial or body hair”. My Hirsutism was the aspect of my PCOS that bothered me the most. The hours and money I spent on waxing, shaving, plucking, and crying are endless.While I always felt ashamed of my weight, it was my facial and body hair that really made me feel like a true freak.

Then something wonderful happened – I entered university and was exposed to feminist theory. It took years, but eventually I started to form my own opinions on “Hirsutism” – a word that now makes me laugh, and that I gleefully throw out in regular conversations just to amuse myself. What a cold, scary,medical word – and all it is is a bit of “extra” (by whose standards?) hair. We live in a world where, especially for women, hair is supposed to be controlled, coiffed, and – in most cases – nonexistent. As a culture, we hyper sexualize little girls and infantilize grown women. Body and pubic hair is a sign of puberty – why are we idealizing the hairless body? Why would we want to engage in sex with a body that looks like it has not gone through puberty?

Armpits are a huge part of controlling women. Not only are armpits supposed to be hair and scent free, they are supposed to be soft and creamy white. There are actually creams to lighten your armpits. Do you know what having “discoloured” armpits actually means? As most women with PCOS know,it means that you probably have an issue with your insulin and need to get checked out NOW! Many women with PCOS have discoloured armpits, including me. 

I made the decision to stop shaving my body 4 years ago.While I still feel the need to subject myself to the oppression that is eyebrow(and for me – chin) tweezing, I have not shaved my legs for 4 ½ years and my armpits for 4. The armpits were certainly harder to stop than my legs. I just felt SO embarrassed at first. *gasp* How could I let people know that I had gone through puberty? 

Eventually, I got comfortable enough to wear tank tops with my hairy pits! And then – I STARTED TO LOVE MY ARMPIT HAIR. I honestly can not believe that my armpit/body hair used to make me HATE myself. My armpit hair is pretty light and sparse from a lifetime of medication and shaving. In a bizarre and completely lovely twist of fate – I wish I had more armpit hair! I wish it was darker and more robust – I want the armpit hair to prove that I have unburdened myself from this oppression for a solid 4 years!

-Mo