On 22nd May 2017, having been ill for a few weeks I took THE test... in the toilet at Asda on my dinner break thinking I was being paranoid and that I could never be pregnant again, and there it was, that hopeful second line! I panicked and bought 3 more tests! Drove back to work, grabbed a colleague, ran to the toilet and did another, same result. I’M PREGNANT! We just squealed like little girls! Do you know how hard it was for me to sit at my desk and keep that quiet? I wanted to shout it from the rooftops! I couldn’t wait to get home to tell my partner he was going to be a dad again & our little boy was going to be a big brother! They were both elated!

I was sick from the minute I conceived! Everyone in work had never seen me run so fast, I was in and out of that toilet more than I was at my desk! But he was so worth it.

I had a scan at 9 weeks & everything was perfect, again at 12 weeks, so perfect! And then the 20 week scan day come along so fast... your baby is always safe after the 12 week scan, right?

We had planned to tell Laith with a box full of coloured balloons, obviously he wanted them to be blue! And I had a meal booked with my best girls to ‘pop the balloon’ to share the news of Leo’s sex! I was so excited that morning but so nervous, as I lay on the bed to have my scan the room fell silent and those dreaded words were spoken ‘there’s something not quite right with the baby Marie’ a little piece of me died that very moment. Copious hospital appointments later and they realised Leo was a very sick baby boy due to bladder, kidney & liver complications and that he was ready to come early.

From the minute I was told he wasn’t going to survive, through to the 12 hour labour, I was numb. Completely numb. Leo was born at 11:30pm on Monday 4th September and against all odds we had a precious 3 hours with him, in those 3 hours me and his dad made sure he knew nothing but pure love. At 2:34am on Tuesday 5th September my precious boys heart stopped beating in my arms. I can never being to explain that feeling. My world from that moment on will never be the same.

I gave birth to Leo at Warrington General in the butterfly suite, they made me comfortable from the minute I got there. My midwife Sue was just perfect, a nurturing, motherly figure which I craved and needed at the time in which my Leo was about to join my own mum in heaven. They made the birth run as smoothly as it could and the 3 hours of his life unforgettable. I owe them so much for that.

Going home to tell Laith that his little brother had become an angel was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. He cried and cried, asked why Leo? Why my brother? He sat on my knee and we just cried. Then, my wonderful 4 year old boy looked and me and said ‘it’s ok mum, Leo will be playing with nanny, I just wish I could’ve played with him first’ and from that day on he has been so so strong and we couldn’t be prouder.

On 25th September we did what no parents should ever have to do and said our final goodbye to our son. How are we burying our son? Why is this even possible? Why does my son not get to grow up? I will never understand why. Walking into Leo’s funeral holding his tiny coffin with his dad, to the song ‘Autumn leaves', by Ed Sheeran was the most surreal moment. It all felt very real at that point. Leo had his Villa shirt draped over the coffin, as he was always going to be a villa fan like his daddy & big brother! I got up a read a poem to my family and friends, I couldn’t look up. I had to do this for Leo and was not going to be broken. Richard then got up, read the most beautiful poem, and it was all just too much. The room just cried out. We lay our flowers and Leo’s teddy over his coffin and everyone walked out. I stood outside for 5 minutes and watched the doors being shut on my Leo, I ran back and banged on the door. I had to be the last person with him. They let me in, I cradled his coffin and had a precious, personal 5 minutes alone with my son. And then I knew it was time to let him be at peace.

Although grief has hit us all very hard, I know I have to act, in memory of my precious son I just have to do something! This just giving page is just the start, SANDS charity is just amazing, they gave us a memory box filled with so many wonderful things, from tiny teddy’s to books of advice and people to reach out to whenever we see fit. And they have been a fantastic help.

I have shared our personal story to raise awareness of how frequent people we know and love are losing babies and how common it really is. It’s one of those things that you think will just never happen to you.

Sands supports anyone who has been affected by the death of a baby before, during or shortly after birth. Bereavement support is at the core of everything they do. Some of the services that they offer include a Helpline for parents, families, carers and health professionals; a UK-wide network of support groups with trained befrienders. I will now and forever fully support this Charity & hope you can too!

17/11/2017 - Today, we had Leo’s post-mortem results. Our beautiful boy passed away due to Potter Syndrome, which for a baby before 24 weeks is fatal. Fitting day to find out the cause of our beautiful boys premature death on world prematurity day. I hope that one day this syndrome can be treated and no more babies lose their life like our Leo.


Thanks for taking the time to visit my JustGiving page.