Sands Lothians have supported both Chris and I personally, through group support meetings and one to one counselling. They continue to be a source of comfort and I believe they will be part of our lives forever. Today, as I write this, I turn 35, and in order to give something back to this wonderful charity, I want to complete 35 personal challenges/fundraising opportunities. 

Growing our family should have been straight forward. It always seems that way for everyone else. It's hard to articulate the lengthy journey we've been on, so here is the eulogy from Caius's funeral. From his short life comes love and kindness #forCaius

From the moment Chris and Julia knew of Caius’s existence, he was loved. In fact he knew nothing but love for the whole of his short life, and that is probably his greatest blessing and one thing that will keep them going in the darkest of times.

After losing Elliot in the 15th week of pregnancy, in October 2014, they knew that this pregnancy would not be easy, but they held hope, all they could do was hope.

Additional appointments brought reassurance, so much so that they finally felt able to share their news with the world at 16 weeks, and started talking to Reuben about becoming a big brother. To start with he was unsure, but he was excited to come along to the next scan, and loved looking at baby on the screen. It was at that same appointment at 19 weeks when it was confirmed that Julia would need to have an operation to keep their baby safe for the remainder of the pregnancy.

The following weeks were difficult, waiting to see if the operation would be a success. Julia took extended leave from work and rested as much as possible. Baby continued to grow well and kick more and more. Once past 30 weeks, things started to feel more comfortable and less scary.

Reuben was very much looking forward to becoming a big brother and he kept changing his mind on whether it was going to be a little sister or brother, at times he would say he was going to have a girl brother. He loved to cuddle mummy’s bump, talk to baby and sing twinkle twinkle little star.

Reuben’s favourite story books soon became There's a House Inside my Mummy and What Baby Needs, he couldn’t wait for his little brother or sister to arrive, so that he could help look after him or her.

Soon deliveries started arriving, tiny baby clothes hung on the clothes horse and it started to all feel so real to the whole family. Julia and Chris started preparing for the birth and everything felt perfect.

On Thursday 28th January, Julia went into hospital to be checked. She was again reassured to hear baby’s heartbeat sounding healthy and was given the okay to go home. The following morning things felt different. Baby’s movements were less frequent and less definite, so after some hesitation, Julia decided to go in once again to get checked.

It was there that she heard the devastating news that baby’s heart had stopped beating.

Baby Caius Jonah Hale, was born into this world at 1:32am on Saturday 30th January. A beautiful boy, 6lb 6oz, perfect in every way except his heart stopped beating. He was placed straight into his mummy’s arms, eyes closed and silent.

Mummy and Daddy got to spend some precious time with their beautiful little baby boy and later Reuben also got to meet his little brother. He spent some time with him, he asked to hold him on his lap, hold his hand, count his fingers, to make sure they were all there and when it came time to say goodbye to Caius, Reuben being the great big brother that he was, he just didn’t want to leave him at the hospital all alone and so asked his Mummy and Daddy if he could have a sleep over so that Caius wasn’t lonely.

Reuben was very good and understood as best he could when Mummy and Daddy explained to him that Caius would not be coming home.

It’s hard to know how to honour such a short life. But Caius brought so much joy, and so much hope, and his legacy will live on. His precious time on this earth was spent wrapped up in love, and he will always be loved, it won’t ever fade. When babies are born, there’s a purity, and innocence, and his can never go, because he will never know hate, or fear, or any of the wickedness that’s on this earth, only love.

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